SO the 2 year anniversary of Mom's death was offically March 10th, but today is the Friday before Spring Break and that's what day the 10th landed on 2 years ago. So much has happened since then. But at the same time if feels like it was yesterday. They say time heals all wounds...but I think that is just something we tell ourselves. Really, we just find something to occupy our minds rather than the wound; but when things like the anniversary of your Mom's suicide rolls around it feels just as fresh. Anyway, I made it through Monday fine, I suppose. I had dinner with Dad and William. We didn't talk about her much, but we did order her a dessert and sat it where she should have been sitting. That was a rather somber moment that didn't need much said about it. The poor little waitress didn't understand why we weren't eating it, didn't want a box, and said that it was great...it was better to leave her clueless.

I started my period today. Normally that wouldn't be blog worthy, but it is the first one I've started w/out drug help at the scheduled time (26-30 days since the last one) in about a year. I've been taking Metaformin to help with the ovarian cysts and to hopefully get myself knocked up. The cysts are gone, Aunt Flo is visiting on her own free will, and the Clomid has been called in to the Greens-of-Wal. SO lets all cross our fingers and say some prayers that this works!

William and Heather will be married in only 15 days. I'm getting excited to go to the wedding. It's hard to believe that it was a year ago that he proposed. Time goes so fast when you are getting old. Speaking of old, Kim will only be in her twenties for 1 more week. Then, she will enter the "Dirty Thirties" as I've recently heard them called, which I find rather amusing. I used to hate being the youngest of my friends...but I'm starting to enjoy it.

I saw this website on Nightline tonight and think it is extremely cool. I know Misti will think so too, so I decided to share. This man is posting his grandfather's letters from WW1 in real time, 90 years to the date after he wrote them. I'm going to go back and read through them and try to keep up with it.

We had a great time last weekend. It was good to see Leah. It was very low-key which made me happy :).

Nancy had her teeth cleaned and a big cyst removed off her knee today. I can't stand that she is getting old. She still seems like a puppy! But all is good for now, she had a bunch of blood work done before the surgery and she got a clean bill of health.

I'm off to bed. Vic works tomorrow (leaves at 4 flippin' 30!) and Nancy is ready to get in bed...so I'm going too. I have big plans of gettin' my hair did and going to Teacher's Tools tomorrow--whoo-hooo!

I'm waiting on my dear friends, Kim and Leah, to arrive so at any moment I may cut this short...but I thought I'd give a quick update. Leah's in town for the weekend so they are spending the night. I'm really excited to see her...I haven't seen her for more than just a minute or ten in several years. We are going up to 2 Charlies, a new bar/restaurant in Denton that Mandy is working at now that she graduated with her masters degree :). She will get a real job soon!

My most favorite news of the minute is that we ARE NOT moving to Albuquerque! I had resigned myself to being ok with it, but I really didn't want to leave my friends and family who are mostly in this area. Vic gave it a good run, but due to some circumstances completely beyond his control, we decided it would be better to come home. He got a job at a "safety man" at T.K. Stanley, the co. that bought my parents out a few years back. So even though I went off to college, met someone who had no ties to the oil field, and moved to Dallas...he somehow found his way to becoming oil field trash, just like me! It's long hours, but decent pay, and he seems to really enjoy it so far--life is good!

I finally went to a fertility doc in Plano. He came highly recommended by two friends of mine--one who is fat, he also has some locally famous clients (wives of Cowboys, anchorwomen, etc.), but I was still really nervous. But I loved him! It went very well. He confirmed what I've known since I was 14--I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I have a ginormous cyst on my right ovary, about the size of a smallish baseball, and my left one is covered in pea to quarter size cysts. These keep me from ovulating. If I weren't trying to get prego, he would have put me on birth control because that cuts off hormones to the ovaries, which would shrink the cysts. But we are, so he put me on Metaformin, a drug for diabetes that for some reason, shrinks cysts. I go back in about 2 weeks for another sono to measure the shrinkage. Other than that, all tests suggest that I should be able to get prego. So keep your fingers crossed for us.

I got a new car...well, new to me. It was Mema's car. My grandfather originally bought it because I had told him that he would love it and it was really what I wanted when I got my Saturn, but it was more than I wanted to spend. He called me after he had driven it one day and said that if I wanted it, I could come get it. So I did. It's a beautiful Chrysler 300C...ohh...they are here!

More later!

I have a lot to update, but I'm too tired tonight (I was in my old classroom today!). But until then, here is my letter to Sheri in responce to one she sent me. The story is basically that Vic and I didn't go to Denver for Christmas because I was sick. I didn't go to Dad and Sheri's because it was only Sheri's kids over there. Instead, we went to Kim & Bryan's and had dinner and then helped be Santa for Avery and Drew. It was a really great night. Once William did get here and we got together a few times, Sheri completely ignored me--which is fine by me! But below is good reading. It starts off w/ my email, but shortly you will see hers (in parenthesis) with my responces.
_____________________________________________________
Sheri--

When two people argue, it is best for others to not intervene. The arguments that occur between my Dad and I are just that, between us. For you to treat me the way you have for the past two weeks (which I knew was because you were butting into my business and chose to let your feelings get hurt) and then to to play the "for the sake of your dad's health" card by send me an email filled with accusatory tones covered in "I" messages will NOT improve our relationship. I'm not sure what you thought this email to me would accomplish, but if it was to piss me off, then you succeed. If it was to open the can of worms back up between dad and I, only causing us both more stress, then you succeed. You also succeeded in turning this into being about Sheri, something you are also very good at.

Here is my response you your email:

(January 5, 2008

Dear Amanda,
I'm writing to you tonight because I have a problem.)

The key word there is YOU. You have a problem about something that is none of your business. The arguement was between my father and I. No one else.

(It's a type of problem that I've never had to deal with before, and it's extremely important that I handle it to the best of my ability because it is a problem that could have life altering effects.)

Life altering effects? ON WHO!?

(For starters, I need you to know that I love you, you are extremely important to me, and I value our relationship, therefore I decided to write, and not try to do this face to face. I was concerned that if I tried to meet with you to discuss my problem, it might create an uncomfortable situation where either of us could say words we would later regret. By writing, it gives me time to read and re-read my words in hopes that I'm clear and that I'm sending the message I intend to convey.)

Good use of "I" messages. You waited two weeks to bring up something that my father and I had moved past.

(I know that you and your father have routinely had disagreements through the years. I know that you both try to shake them off and act as if nothing happened; as if didn't hurt either of you. I know that after you've had words, within a few days you're both back to talking to each other as if the words had never been spoken. I've heard about it from both of you, and witnessed it first hand over the past several months.)

Last I checked, he doesn't need anyone to fight (or flight!) his battles for him.

(However, the words do hurt your father. As you know, your father is not as healthy as he once was, and these episodes now impact his wellbeing; they cause his blood pressure to soar, and his adrenaline to spike. For a man with diabetes, a history of heart problems and two heart stints, surges in his blood pressure and adrenaline can be life threatening.)

I know about his health. I was there for the heart problems, the stints, the diabetes, etc.

(When we learned you didn't go to Colorado for Christmas, I assumed you'd be joining us.)

You know what they say about assuming...

(But, when your father reminded you that we'd like you to join us, you told him you wouldn't be coming. You went on to tell him you were waiting for the Matthews Christmas, you didn't want to be a part of the Kennedy Christmas that you don't like Joe and didn't want to be around him.)

Waiting for William is more of what I said. But yes, being around Joe is not my idea of Christmas. During your wedding rehersal he told Lance and I "I won't play with your asses and you don't play with mine." Funny to him, offensive to me. I chose not to be around people that I'm not comfortable with. I am not comfortable with him.

(At this point your father became very angry, and as such his body kicked into a natural defense state to prepare him to fight (fight or flight theory).)

Like you pointed out, he chose to respond to me.

(He was angry to the point that his adrenaline spiked high enough to enable him to effortlessly jerk two six foot steel t-posts out of the dry hard ground.)

Wow! Glad to see he still has it!

(These stakes had been in the ground over two years supporting the growth of a tree. We'd not had rain for perhaps weeks.)

Maybe something to talk to Mom about...maybe she could ask the Big Guy for some rain...

(After pulling out the two stakes, he walked over to the corner of the yard to calm down. On his way into the house he stopped by the tree to pull out the last stake. It was so solidly planted in the ground that he couldn't even get it to wiggle.)

Well, hell, then he should have called me back...I could have told him a got my tongue pierced or something...(just kidding, Dad!)

(I tell you this as evidence of the amount of adrenaline he must have had surging though his body when he pulled out the other two. I have photos of the t-posts if you'd like to see them.)

I know my father and how he acts when he gets mad. I don't need "evidence." I also know what t-stakes look like. But the fact that you are offering me pictures is odd; the fact that you took pictures is odd.

(Amanda, I don't have to tell you, this kind of rage could easily have cost him his life.)

Then why are you? You say that you don't have to, but you still are...

(I do know that he is in charge of what he chooses to do, in charge of his own feelings, and that you can't "make" anyone feel anything. We all choose our feelings and how we react to situations.)

You say you know this, but do you really believe it? Because this email sounds a whole lot like you are accusing me.

(However, I also know that when we love someone we don't knowing do or say things simply to "really piss them off".)

But that is exactly what you are doing now...you say you love me, but you are doing something that Dad warned you would piss me off...

(About the time we sat down to eat our holiday dinner you came by and left candy on the door step. Although you may have thought your dad would be pleased that you had brought him a holiday surprise, in fact it had the opposite effect.)

Again, remember: I have known him for 30 years. I knew what effect it was going to have. Just as he knew what effect it was going to have on me by arguing with me on the phone. I was crying when we hung up. How do you think my blood pressure was that day? Or when I was walking the candy up to the porch?

He rips stakes up out of the ground, I leave candy on the porch. We handle things the way we know how. It has worked for us for 30 years now.

(For him, it felt like you were rubbing his face in the fact that you were refusing to be part of his new extended family.)

Key words! Key words! HIS NEW EXTENDED FAMILY. Not mine.

(He was embarrassed when Tiffany was bewildered and asked him why you hadn't rung the doorbell or come in to give him the candy.)

Tiffany wouldn't have been bewildered if she had remembered that my mother shot herself in the face in the very house that she stood in celebrating only 21 months earlier! Or if she knew that we were arguing. I'm willing to bet that Tiffany knows a thing or two about arguing with parents...

(Amanda, I love your father beyond measure, and when he hurts, I hurt. Christmas Eve you hurt him both physically and spiritually.)

And Dad hurt me. Vic wanted to call Dad on Christmas day because I was still in bed crying. He wanted for us to get together and talk it out. But when I explained that it was only between Dad and I, he respected me and my father's relationship enough to let us handle it.

(He'd never tell you these things, he's too proud, too strong, too macho, but I know you love him too, and I'd like to think you'd never do anything to intentionally hurt him.)

If you knew me at all, you would know that I don't intentionally hurt people.

(So, at the risk of damaging the fragile new relationship you and I are just beginning to form, I had to let you know about my problem. I want at least 25, if not 30 or more years with your father, and I'm doing the best I can to make sure that happens.)

Here's the real root of it: it's all about Sheri!

(I hope you will join me in my efforts to ensure him a life that is as long and healthy and as happy as possible.)

I lost my mother very suddenly and prematurely, which I should not have to remind you of. For you to insinuate that I would want anything but a long, healthy, and happy life for my father is cruel. I'm sure that you are not thinking in these terms, but that is what you are implying. That I might take some other route than "joining you in your efforts" is extremely offensive to me.

(I apologize that I was cool toward you during the remainder of the holiday season.)

No apology needed. You do what you need to do, but don't be surprised at my response.

(I don't hide my feelings well and I was wrestling with the best way to handle them; I needed a "time out". I needed time to sort through my feelings and figure out how to best express my problem.)

Again, good "I" messages!

(A part of me hoped you'd asked what was going on so I could get it out, but another part was relieved that you didn't ask since I hadn't figured it out myself yet.)

I didn't need to ask. I knew that you were butting into my and my father's arguement.

(What I can tell you today is that although I had many feelings at the time, the one I've not been able to put behind me is the feeling of fear; fear of prematurely and needlessly losing your father.)

What I hear you saying is that you have already had one husband die prematurely, and that you are afraid that this one will too. Like I said, my mom died prematurely. I'd rather my father not as well. By no means do I want you to read that I think those losses are the same. What I do want you to read is that we both have the same fear and the same goal.

(I realize that as your dad would put it, this letter could come back and "bite me in the ass", but I truly hope not.)

You knew this would not go over well or you wouldn't have even written that.

(I know I have no control over how you chose to feel after you read this letter, all I can do is send it in faith that my words won't be misunderstood or create additional problems.)

That's good of you to know, because, again, it is all about you.

(All I can do now is to put it in the hands of the Lord.)

Touche.

(I pray you chose to continue to let our relationship develop and to work with me to enrich your dad's life.)

And I pray that you chose to just try and be a friend rather than a parent-type figure. I pray that you stop trying so hard and just be yourself. I pray that you learn to respect mine and William's boundaries. Examples: You say, "I know you aren't a hugger, but I am." What we heard was "I don't care how you feel, I'm going to hug you anyway." I asked for you not to include "Sheri's family of 3 will join Bob's family of 4 to make a family of 7" on your invitations, so instead you go ahead and put it on your website.

(Love,
Sheri)


All of this being said. I choose to give you the benefit of doubt and chalk this blunder up to your newness to our family and it's workings. I do want to think that you have good intentions in your heart. Although I have not expressed these things to you in the past, it is probably overdo that I clear the air. I want you to know that do not hold ill will towards you. I don't ever stay mad long. I can't image that in senerios like ours that conflict does not arise, and hopefully it will just make us all stronger. I love that my father seems happy with you. I also appreciate the fact that you are interested in a relationship with me and look forward to continuing in the future.
Love, Amanda

1. I spent Monday night in the ER because I went into anaphylactic shock after taking Avelox, an antibiotic that I have taken several times before w/out trouble. I drove myself there and parked in the grass (don't remember it) and when I walked in they took me straight back. Seen the movie Hitch? Yeah, me and Will Smith looked about the same...except I was the color of a firetruck and my nostrils were swollen shut. So if I'm ever with any of you in a Mexican ER or something...I'm allergic to Avelox, Cipro, and all other antibiotics in that class. Hope I don't get anthrax!

2. The antibiotic was to treat the same stinkin' sinus infection that I've been battling since Thanksgiving. It seems to be under a little better control, but now I have frickin' shingles. Yes, the same shingles that are related to the chicken pox and mostly old people get. I only have them in my upper respiratory system on the inside. Dr. thinks it's because of the stress of the sinus infection from hell. SO now I'm on Valtrex, you know, the one advertised for genital herpes? It speeds the shingles along, but that sure was neat to pick up from the pharmacy.

3. We were supposed to leave for Denver today but we didn't because of how sick I've been. We may leave tomorrow. I never missed work, though. That should tell yall how much I love my job!

4. Vic just got home from Albuquerque last night. He told me that he had my Christmas present in his carry on bag. As soon as he left the room I got into it. He was mad...BUT! He got me a Wii! I'm so excited! I wasn't supposed to get it until I graduate in August because we are afraid that I will play it too much...but he says that he has faith in my self control. So if I don't graduate in August, blame Vic and his misplaced faith in me.

5. Some of you know this, some of you don't. There is a chance that we may be able to adopt a baby. His name is Nehemiah and he is about 2 months old. He needs your prayers, and so do we! I spoke with his grandmother again today and she and the baby's mother are all for it. Nehemiah's father is having a hard time with it. CPS is involved and his mother has already had her parental rights terminated on another child years ago and is not interested in being a mother. His father is young and a good guy from the sounds of it, but just not able to be the main caregiver. The grandmother that I have been speaking with is a friend/employee of Bryan, Kim's husband, and is a widow with youngish children of her own she is still trying to raise. Her son is the father and right now she has court appointed custody. Depending on the father, this could happen next week or 6 months from now. I just would like for yall to continuing praying for Nehemiah, his father Andre, and his grandmother Toni. We, of course, want him to come live with us, but most importantly, we are just praying for God's perfect will. We know that he will end up where he is supposed to be, but the suspense is so hard! So just keep praying for us all!

6. I'm off to bed again. I'm feeling better since I have just rested today. I hope everyone is enjoying the last few days before Christmas...these are always exciting days. I'm not done shopping...but that would be the case even w/out almost dieing and having shingles. :)

Today has been a good day...I really like Mondays. And today I even got 4 stitches in my ass, right where it meets my leg...you know...right where my underwear can rub. AND my cat just yacked in the hallway as I was typing about my ass issue. I'm just glad it's not ass herpes, right Misti?

Anyway, the point of this here blog, is that I went to Albuquerque this past weekend for a big family affair. It was Vic's grandmother, Audrey's 75th birthday and her boyfriend, Jewels, threw her a big party. It was formal, (Vic wore a suit!) at a steakhouse and was very nice and so fun! It was all these old people that she had know like 30 years+ through Fred II (Vic's grandfather) being an officer in the Air Force. Including an old Italian guy that stood up and started singing beautifully in Italian and everyone but me seemed to know the song...but I raised my DP and swayed it along with everyone's wine glasses. Some of Vic's family from NY was there too, it was good to see them. It was like something from the Godfather or something...I expected Don Corleone to walk out at any minute! Vic had to work most of the weekend, so I didn't see him much...sad. So Sunday it was just me, Fred III, his mom Janice, sister Jennifer, and Audrey at church and then brunch. His parents have been divorced for like 25 years, but are still good friends. I really enjoyed it, including their company! My how things change...

Two additional bonuses: 1. I found a new brand of shoes! I bought this pair of Kumf's:






As you will notice, they have a little heal. Something I have not even considered in years due to knee surgeries and now evil plantar fascitis/heel spurs...BUT! These heels are at the best angle for PF AND have orthodics in them to make my feet happy (not to mention I purchased them at "Happy Feet"!). I put them and on I could have tap danced! I'm so excited to have some dress shoes other than my fancy birkenstocks!

2. We took a picture at the party that I'm hopeing will work as our Christmas card pic...it is SO cute!

So I'm a little late with my list of what I'm Thankful for. Thanksgiving should be celebrated everyday, not the full bird and stuff(ing)...but the thankful part...this of course is not a complete list. Because that would go on forever. I am a very blessed girl and I do know it everyday.

I am thankful first and foremost for the fact that Jesus Christ is my saviour. I am continually humbled at the comfort He and His word provides me. I am so thankful that He died on the cross for my sins. And that because I learned that from my Mom and my Mema, I know that they are their with Him now that they are not here with me.

I am thankful for Vic, and that he is my husband. Twice. I'm thankful for all I learned from both marriages, and through our divorce. It brought us closer than I ever knew possible. He is a wonderful husband and I love him dearly.

I am thankful for William. We have been close for years now, but after loosing our Mom, I have a new appreciation for him and for the hand that we were dealt in life. He is more than a brother, he is a best friend.

I am thankful for my family. I grew up not really feeling like I was part of an extended family, but it turns out that I just had to be older to get to know them. Lance, Lori, Kelsi, Autumn, and Reagan--I can't get enough of them! I look forward to seeing them and am always sad when it comes to an end. Misti is the sister I didn't have, and even though there is distance between us, I think of her constantly. Allison is the more educated version of why I loved my Mother's family--she is quirky, kind, and complicated (in a good way). She has such a sweet spirit and inspires me to be a better person. I am thankful that I have gotten to know Randy and Tiffany better. I am also thankful for the Napoleon family. The more I get to know them, the more I like...even love...them.

My friends. I am the riches person I know when it comes to friends. I am so thankful to still have Jamey, Kim, Mandy, Tamalca, Bernadette, and others that have been around forever. I love them so very much! I am also excited and thankful to have made some new wonderful friends in the last few years-Susan, Catherine, Donna, Kelly, Amy, Aimee. Such neat people!

I am thankful for my job. I never imagined that I could be so happy at work. I look forward to seeing my kids and my coworkers each day. This job has brought me new friends, great experience, a lot of happiness. I love that I look forward to Mondays.

I am thankful that I am moving to a new place. It's still scary, but I'm up the the Albuquerque challenge...I love adventures. And with God being in control of this one...I am positive that good things will come.

I am thankful to have Madison (Maddie) in my life. She intriged me from the minute I saw her and I had to research Jacobsen Sydrome...didn't find much information...so I just had to figure her out on my own. But then I just fell in love. She is what life is all about--love, fun, hugs, and laughter. I am also thankful that her parents have entrusted me in their wills that she is mine should something, God forbid, happen to them. I smile just thinking about her!

I am thankful for my animals-Nancy, Carson, and Woobie brighten each day!

Other random things I'm thankful for: Tivo, Sonic, XM radio--especially the Christmas music stations!, American Airlines for getting Vic and I back and forth safely to each other, and the internet!

Some of you are wondering why I called Sheri the Horse Whisperer. Well, maybe not, but I'm going to tell you anyway.

One night a few weeks ago I cooked dinner for Dad and Sheri. As we were sitting at the table I referenced "speaking with Nancy" and she said "That's ok, I talk to dead people." We all ignored it and moved along to something else. A bit later, just me, Dad, and Sheri were sitting in the living room. She said it again. She kept explaining how she talks to my mom all the time. She said that the very first time she was in the house alone that Mom came to her to let her know that it was ok for Sheri to live in my parents house with Dad. She said that they have spoken several times since then and Mom is very happy and healthy, in fact, she can tell by Mom's personality (!) that they would have been great friends had they known each other before Mom died. She assured Dad and I that she doesn't seek out the dead people, they find her. She talks with her dad that died when she was 13 often too.

I sent Dad a text message the next morning that said, "I talk to dead people too and Mom said she's not talking to Sheri." I also mentioned that Dr. Butler, mom's long time psychiatrist, could help Sheri w/ those voices. He laughed. Did I mention that the whole time she was telling me this that he was rolling his eyes. He says it's "pish-posh."

So here's my thoughts, assuming I believed in such things:
1. I'm pretty sure that mom would have contacted Dad, me, or William rather than Sheri.
2. Where's Nana when you need her?
3. Has Rowdy barked at her and is it true all dogs go to heaven?
4. Even if she really does believe that she is hearing from my Mother, why would she tell me? It's manipulative, because you know, I'll like her better if Mom says it's ok!

and finally...

5. What the hell is wrong with my father? I didn't know that he could find someone crazier than my Momma...but I'll be damned...he did.

So here it is the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and I'm sick. Had a sinus infection since Saturday...basically since about 16 hours after my 9 day break started. I started antibiotics so I will be better soon.

But, kinda like being all dressed up and no where to go...this Thanksgiving I'll be all healed up and no one for us to celebrate with. It's me, Vic, and the 4-legged friends this year. Dad and Sheri (aka The Horse Whisper) went to Illinois today to spend TG w/ her family, William and Heather left here today to go to Carlsbad to her families, and Lance, Lori & the gang leave tomorrow for OK for her families. We did all get together at Lance's last night and had the big traditional TG dinner...but between it being Monday, being sick, and it being 80 something degrees...it didn't feel much like TG.

Just 2 years ago my parents had just moved into their house in Denton, I was dating James, and my mom and Mema were emailing/snail mailing me recipes because that's what they did every year during the holidays. Now my dad and his new wife are preparing to build a new house, I'm married Vic again, and my mom and Mema are dead. I guess all those changes have happened gradually, but you really feel it at the holidays.

November happenings that are making this TG even harder:
Nov 12, 2007-would have been my parents 31st wedding anniversary.
Nov 18, 2007-would have been Mema's 72nd birthday.
Nov 25, 2007-would have been my Mom's 52nd birthday. (William and I gave her Christmas dishes for her birthday 2 years ago--they were lost in the garage fire my dad and Sheri had in July)

I do have so much to be Thankful for...but I wanted to type this out before I reflect on that...get it outta my fingers so to speak...but more in a few days. Vic just told me to go lock myself in the bedroom and not come out until I feel better (meaning, until I'm being nicer to him!) so that's where I'm headed--Sorry Vic.

Something I'm thankful for: how many good things I have DVRed.

Safe traveling and cooking ventures to all!

Here are a few pics from Halloween. I was, of course, Alice from Wonderland. The first is of my dear dalmatian friend, Amy Waller, she is the teacher I do inclusion with. The second is of me reading "Spookly the Square Pumpkin" to my class. My and Amy's other compadre in inclusion, Donna, was supposed to be the Queen of Hearts with me...but she chickened out. She was the one taking the pictures...we didn't let her be in any of them because she was simply wearing a pumpkin shirt & earrings...not looking foolish like Amy and I!