I'm in Vegas. My dad's thought was that it's 24 hours a day, no one knows us, and we are all comfortable here. All true. Doesn't really make it better. We talked last night about how everywhere we turn, there she is. Never in my 20 someodd years of coming here do I ever remember rain, or overcast skys really, but that's how it is. And it's just in the 60's. Her favorite weather.

We ate in a restaurant last night that we have always eaten at, Kokomo's at the Mirage, and they had completely remodeled it-wasn't even in the same location in the hotel. We talked about wanting to tell her about how different it looks and things that she would have liked...like the face that there were now wide armless chairs, which are very fat friendly.

I have grown up with my grandma talking about things that her mother did and said; and things that she would have liked or that she would have disapproved of, so I know that I am in for a long road of memories popping up everywhere. And I'm ok with that--I'm the girl who hasn't lived in Hobbs in 8 years, but still talks about it everyday...ha ha. But I don't want this to all happen in vain. I don't want her death to be in vain. I keep thinking about writing a book.

Now, I am by no means an expert on the topic of death, mental illness, or anything else for that matter. I read an artile yesterday written by a woman who lost her husband on 9/11 and she talked a lot about just because it hit her close to home, that she is by no means an expert on terrorism, public policy, or anything else in that realm. And I agree. Except for the fact that the human spirit lives to have companionship. We are pack animals, so to speak, and we like to know what others experience. We like to look at someone else and say "Ohh, she has it much worse than me." or "That is exactly how I feel!" SO my mind is still spinning and most of my thoughts are incomplete. Easily distracted. But my incomplete thought right now is that I'm going to write a book about my life with my mom. And about this disease that took her life. People are still very afraid of mental illness. And that won't change until there are better treatments and we stop alienating the mentally ill. Until the stigma is gone and it's looked at like diabetes or cancer. Mental illness used to be looked at as a character flaw within the person. That is somewhat better today; but it is still looked at as an undesirable attribute. And it shouldn't be that way. So I'm working on what to do with all my thoughts, ideas, and sadness. I need to make something positive out of it--because that's the only way I'm going to get through each day missing her.

I'm off, my room service is here. Then I'm going to the art museum here at the Bellagio. I've always wanted to do it, and my mom has always said "maybe next time" because she didn't ever really want to go. Sadly, I don't have to consider that anymore.

Last Friday I talked to my mom on my way to work and she asked to spend the night with me. One week later, on Friday night, I am home from her funeral in Hobbs. People, humans, are resiliant...but life is fragile. And mental illness is this devil. I kept telling people that I was fine, because I always am. God is always with me and I am at peace with that. I also told them that the true test would be once I was home and alone. And I'm not doing so well with this test. I can rationally confort myself; but I am having a hard time calming my mind. I can't get some really horrible images out of my head. I can't stop wondering what her face looked like with a gun in her mouth. I can't stop wondering what her last thought was. I want to know if she was scared or sad or so crazy that she was peaceful. I know she knew that I loved her dearly, but I want to know if she knew it then.

I'm not spell checking because I'm crying to hard to do so...sorry grammar queens.

Could someone please blog. I keep getting on here as a diversion from reality and there is nothing new. Post pictures, post a me-me, something.

James came for Valentines Day. He was sick, so we just laid around a lot...but it was fun. We had dinner at 3 Forks last night. He gave me a little pink beanie baby poodle and kept appologizing because it's ears were wrinkled while traveling....I kept dismissing him and saying they were fine. Finally he told me to check them and I realized the pup had earrings on for me :). Little pink hearts. Very sweet. I was so sad he had to leave this morning, especially since it looks like I won't see him until I go there for the weekend of March 11th when we are going to the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Something I've always wanted to do, but have never had the chance until now :). Anyway, he's sweet, Valentine's Day was good, and I'm going to do the Time Warp again for the first time very soon!

I'm a certified teacher, BTW. Well, just in Special Ed., but still...that was the main test I was worried about. I am about to take the PPR (Pedagogy and Professional Responsibilities) and then the generalist test. But I scored a nice 89% on my spec. ed. test. Yeah!

Carson is the cutest cat ever. I love his paw pads, they are pink with freckles. Just in case you were wondering.

What is your favorite word? splendorous

What is your least favorite word? moist

What turns you on? intelligence

What turns you off? pretentiousness

What sound do you love? Kitty purrs, harps

What sound do you hate? the smoke detector when the battery is low

What profession other than yours would you like to attempt? professional shopper

What profession would you not like to participate in? anything on stage

If heaven exsists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? I'll be so excited to be there...that it doesn't matter what He says!

Yall've heard me mention my high school friend, Jared Ashley before...so I thought that I would share this from an email he just sent me...

"...Well about my music career, it's had it's ups and downs that's for sure, I've had two major record deals and lost both of them. I had a single out in 2004 it did ok on Billboard charts...it charted at 70, but then I lost my deal. I've been touring like hell the last year and a half, we did over 230 dates last year. This year I think is gonna be my year, well I hope, and it looks that way. I am one of the ten finalist competing on USA's Nashville Star this year so I am excited about that, so starting March 14th you'll have to watch the show."

I'm so excited to have my TIVO...I am totally going to watch. He's a good guy...and from HOBBS...so yall hafta watch!

Four jobs you have had in your life: (in no particular order)

1. Worked for my Dad at Billy Walker Truckin'
2. Caprock Winery
3. MHMR
4. Friends of the Family

Four movies you would watch over and over again:

1. Shag
2. Young Guns II
3. Natural Born Killers
4. Pulp Fiction

Four places you have lived:

1. Hobbs, NM
2. Monterey, CA
3. Lubbock, TX
4. Corinth, TX

Four T.V. shows you love to watch:

1. Desperate Housewives
2. L Word
3. Six Feet Under
4. CSI-Las Vegas

Four places you have been on vacation:

1. Hawaii
2. Cancun
3. Oregon
4. Washington, DC

Four web-sites I visit daily:

1. http://www.bigfatblog.com/
2. http://synergyrockslive.com/
3. http://www.weather.com/
4. http://www.myspace.com/ammthegr8

Four of my favorite foods:

1. beans
2. potatoes
3. tomatoes
4. cheese

Four places I'd rather be right now:

1. Cypress, TX
2. San Francisco
3. Vegas
4. nowhere really...I'm happy being at home...fixina go to the parents house for dinner...everything is cool...

Four bloggers I am tagging:

1. James
2. William
3. Allison
4. anyone else who hasn't done it

This time of year really chaps my hide with all dieters that swear that THIS year is going different and they are going to loose weight and keep it off. **Remember** If diets really worked, there wouldn't be any fat people...but whatever...And working with a bunch of staight women makes it even worse. So imagine my surprise when I came across this:

Stop Dieting! in U.S. News and World Report!

I love when there is a little common sence tossed into the media every now and then...especially when I also read this crap tonight. Forget the fact there this is a shortage of teachers...just make sure their are no fat ones! Neat.

I'm being evaluated by UNT bright and early in the morning and I'm extremely anxious. But I'm going to try to go sleep. And not dream about my professional portfolio....

I know I've mentioned this before, but just wondering if any of yall are on myspace? If you are, we should be friends.

http://www.myspace.com/ammthegr8

All in all the holidays were wonderful. James and I left Houston and came to Denton to hang out with my family on Christmas day and then went back to Houston for a few days. I came back because William's girlfriend, Heather, flew in for New Years. We hung out at Kim's last night. Nothing big, but it was cool. Ohhh! And I got Tivo too...I didn't know how much better life could be! That machine is truly a fabulous invention! I'm including a few pics...the quality sucks, but you get the idea. Happy 2006!


Roo found an nice hiding place to drive Nancy crazy.


Ariel view of the tree...and Nancy and Carson!


William and I in front of my tree.


Allison and I with our new furry socks from my mom.