WARNING: SERIOUS TOPIC TO FOLLOW....if you don't like it, read the one that I posted earlier today :).

There is something to be said for finding strengths that you never imagined existed. I think for the first time in my life I had a preconceived notion about myself and was so afraid of it and disliked it so much that I never was able to talk about it with anyone. But in the past week I've discovered it to be false. I have had every frickin' psychology class that Texas Tech offers to undergrads and every undergrad and 1/2 of the grad school classes on rehabilitation counseling at UNT and I know the answers that are socially acceptable. Wowzers. I hate that socially acceptable crap, but it's the truth. I know how to talk to people and offer them good options for decision making in their own lives, but when it comes to my own...I suck.

It's like he says in the Finger Eleven "One Thing" song on the radio right now:

"Even though I know
I don't want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds."

Yeah, that's the story of my life. I completely hold myself to different standards than I hold others too. That can be good and bad. On one hand, I hold myself to standards such as...nothing below an A is good enough. That is good because if I were always able to do it...it would be beneficial TO ME...but since I'm not, I have this "well, a B is not good enough so fuck it...stop going, make an F...I don't care." But I don't feel that way about other people. I honestly feel that B's for other people are great. I think C's are great for other people. But so often I feel like a failure and I let the fear of it happening again control every decision I make. Especially in the past few years. I've erred on the side of caution too many times. I've given up trying because I don't feel I have the energy or effort to do it and meet my unrealistic standards.

SO my "comfort zone" has been bombed. I found a WMD, it landed on my comfort zone. The only thing I can do redefine my comforts and therefore, my life. But I will also not be so complacent on letting myself get too comfortable. I've made a rather extensive list of what I would like to see out of myself and I'm going to post it because I need the help of others to hold me accountable. A lot will be accomplished just knowing that I've let others know where I'm at...I hate to be wrong or look stupid so I'm not going to let that happen. I'm the queen of excuses, and I want people to call me on them. BTW, I know that I don't usually post SO personally...but that's part of the comfort zone destruction. I don't have to seem to be fine when I'm not. Even to you guys online.

1. I am starting back to school in Fall 04 and take at least 6 hours towards my masters degree. I will finish my masters degree in a reasonable amount of time. (CHECK! I reapplied, just as atechnicality...they said there was no reason for me not to be readmitted.)

2. I am continuing to look for a job until I find one. Until then I will sell stuff on Ebay to make some $. (CHECK! Still applying for no less than 2 jobs per day and I've listed 3 items on Ebay today.)

3. I am seeking the help of Dr. Neil Jacobson on June 29, 2004 and plan to ask to be evaluated and put on antidepressants. If counseling is not recommended; I will seek a counselor on my own immediately. I will continue treatment until I am advised to do otherwise. (CHECK! started on ridalin, he thinks my depression is based in the frustrations of untreated ADHD)

**The counseling I will seek is to work on my respecting others boundaries, being happy with myself AND when by myself (not always wanting to be with someone), not perceiving myself as a victim, not having to have a "project"; and dealing better with responsibility.

4. I will be more social with my friends. I will not tell them no for no reason. Even when I don't want to do something, I will ask myself "is this something that I normally would want to do?" If the answer is yes, then I will do it.

**Also, I will answer the phone when it rings. Regardless of who is calling. If I am unable to talk, I will say so. (Haven't missed a call in 2 days!)

5. I will set my alarm for 9:30 am Sun-Fri. I will hit the snooze button 1x, if desired. I will allow myself Saturday to sleep until I wake up. (CHECK!)

6. I will go to church every Sunday. I will not accept any excuses from myself as to why I am not going. The only options for absence are being out of town, true illness, and extreme weather (ice!). I will also get involved with the churches activities on my own. I will find a women's bible study, help organize mission trips, etc. whatever it is that will feel fulfilling to me and to be a contributing member of the church.

7. I will eat AT HOME when I am hungry. I will only allow myself to eat out in social situations or on occasions with Vic when he suggests it. Otherwise, I will cook dinner that we both like or figure it out on my own. I will not ask Vic repetitively if he wants this or that. I will make the executive decisions in the kitchen, trusting that he will freely offer suggestions or requests for meals. If he does not like what I made, I am not offended and will not feel guilty because he must find something on his own.

8. I will take full responsibility for the house, at least until I have a job. This includes: cleaning/ picking up at least 2 hours per day (until I feel it is acceptable, then I will just maintain it); staying on top of laundry; paying bills; making appointments (a/c, bug sprayer, etc.); keeping the house stocked with food and supplies (tp, tide, etc.)

9. I will help more with the dogs. Specifically, I will let Frank out on Sat & Sun so that Vic can come home and go to bed after work if he pleases. I will also take the responsibility of vet & groomer visits. I will change the cat litter. Carson is/was my cat and I will care for him.

10. I will stop asking others to do things for me that I can do for myself.

**I will make an effort to stop asking questions that I pretty much know the answer too or that I am just talking for the sake of talking. I will not call Vic at work/school/when he is away from home unless it is something important. Until I get accustom to this, I will make a list of the things that I wish to talk to him about and go over it when he calls or comes home. However, I will still call him when I am going to sleep so that he knows not to call after that time.

11. I will not bother Vic while sleeping (during the days when he's worked all night). I will make/add too the same list (mentioned in 10) and save things for when he is awake.

12. I will not sit in Vic's chair when he is home. I don't want him in my chair, so I will respect his spot.

13. Only if I am home w/out Vic will I watch the living room TV. I will make a point of watching more TV in the study or bedroom, or happily watching what is on in the living room. I don't really care about the TV, and that is an agrument that can be easily avoided.

14. I will trust that Vic always knows that he is invited to go with me to social functions. I will not insist that he do things that he does not want to do socially. This includes celebrating holidays with my family, having dinner with my friends, etc. I will do the things that I truly want to do with or without him.

15. I will not impose myself on Vic and his friends. I trust Vic that he will invite me if he wants me to go, and not get my feelings hurt when he does not invite me.

16. I will not impose society's views on my marriage. I will work to listen to Vic and respect his wishes and try not worry about what others think. I will base my needs on me and not others. What Kim or Misti or Bryan or Danny do has no baring on my needs. I will be honest with myself and Vic so that I can stop holding myself AND us to unreachable standards.

17. I remember the person that Vic met/fell in love with/married. That is a more true self than the person I am now. I will work at being that person again.

This list will never be complete. I reserve the right to make changes as needed. These changes are being made for the betterment of myself. I am aware that I may not be able to do all of these things everyday. I am giving my word in writing so that I may keep focused.

I just have to share this. This is soooo my experience. I can't believe how wild I used to be!

Drinking in High School vs. Drinking in College

High School: Start by 7 p.m., Stop by 10 p.m., Sober by 11:30 p.m., Home by 12 p.m., No Hangover Next Morning
College: Start by 11 p.m., Stop by 5 a.m., Never Sober Up, Never Make it Home, Hungover Until 5 p.m. Next Afternoon (every good time has its price)

High School: Zimas and Wine Coolers
College: Beer and Cheap Beer

High School: drunk after 2 beers
College: still going after 20 beers

High School Party Attire: new shirt, new black pants, heels
College Party Attire: tshirt/sweatshirt, jeans/sweats, flip flops/tennis shoes

High School: go out 1-2 times a week
College: go out 7-8 times a week

High School: party in a field or a house where parents are out of town
College: party in a dorm, fraternity house, or house where the owner is the
drunkest person there

High School: no keg
College: keg stand

High School: pretend to be drunk in order to fit in with the rest of the party
College: pretend to be sober so that when you trip and fall/say something
stupid/slur your words/dance like an idiot, you won't be known as "The
Drunkass"

High School: rarely go out on school nights
College: always go out on school nights, especially when you have a test the next day

High School: drink to the sound of the car stereo or tiny boombox
College: drink to the sound of a DJ or live band

High School: throwing up is completely unexceptable
College: the more you barf, the cooler you are, especially if you can master the Puke & Rally

High School: 5 shots and the night is over
College: 5 shots at the pre-party and the night has just begun

High School: stroll into the party carrying a beer
College: stroll into the party carrying a 30 pack

High School, day after party: jump out of bed, declare "I feel great!" and smile as you remember the night before
College, day after party: groan and roll over to check out whose lying next to you, declare "I think I'm still drunk," and pass back out after unsuccessfully trying to remember the night before

High School: "Let's play a drinking game! I have cards!!!"
College: "Let's play a drinking game! It's called '1...2...3...CHUG'"

High School: "Shit! It's 2:00 a.m. and I just got home...waaaaaaay past curfew."
College: "Shit! It's 2:00 a.m. and I just ran out of beer...and all beer stores are now closed."

High School: save allowance/lunch money to pay for alcohol
College: sell back books/donate plasma/sell belongings on Ebay to pay for alcohol

High School: pingpong
College: beerpong

Customers to Enjoy a De-light-ful New Experience at Starbucks

Yummy. Free Starbucks. Will and I will go tmw to try these out. I'm not a fan of frappuccinos, but I feel since it's free that it would be the perfect opportunity to re-try them.

William had me list his playstation2 w/ games on ebay. He wanted the "buy it now" price to be $250. It sold w/in 3 hours. I was shocked.

So we ate here, Fogo de chao, last night. It was fun. The other place we ate at the night before was The Magic Time Machine. They made me wear a balloon hat all night and sang to me. The Toothfairy was our waitress. She threw like 200 cocktail napkins on the table for my "party decorations." We also ate the Roman Orgy. Waldo (of Where's Waldo), Aladdin, Buckwheat, and Toothfairy brought it out on huge platters singing and feed each of us grapes. We had to bite off a bunch of grapes. The same bunch. Kinda gross, but we all did it.

Anyway, it was a nice birthday. I did more for it this year than in the last few years. Vic also got me a Baskin Robins cake and we had that after Fogo last night. Tasty.

SO today I tried Coca-Cola C2. I liked it. Didn't think I would, but I did. I used to drink diet coke back in my diet days and I liked it. But then I quit, and then I learned about the weird chemicals in it, but sometimes I still get a hankerin so I drink one. Usually with Jamey, she is the DC queen. But once I realized that all of the gums I like have the same weird chemicals in them, I got over that. So today I got a C2. Honestly, I couldn't tell the difference. Once it got a little warmer I could sort of taste the DC after taste, but still on the whole a good product. I only bought one bottle of it, but I would buy a 12 pack if I were going to buy coke...but I don't buy it for the house anymore, so I won't. But if I did, I would. Get it?

Also, today I broke my record. At the grocery store I have a personal competition going on to see how much I can save. My previous record was $44.55. Today, I blew it out of the water!!!

I saved: $127.44. That breaks down to 39.93 in clipped newspaper coupons and a whopping 87.51 in Kroger Plus Buys. Of course, even with all this we spent about 300 bucks...but we got a shit ton. Like more than one basket full. Like I hadn't been to the store in over a month baskets full. It was so fun.

I also went to Sally's and got two new polish colors, new top & bottom coats, and nail strengthener stuff. We got stuff to wax Vic's brows too. He is starting to look like a Persian rug dealer again and since his sister gave him her old professional wax melter thing, we broke down and bought all the crap for me to do it for him rather than going to the salon. It will be interesting. I've never waxed anything on anyone before. Unless you count when Misti and I got Nads in Lubbock and we got in our swimsuits and attempted to wax each other. That was a fun afternoon. Landon let us Nads his nose, but other than that...it didn't work too well.

Anyway, tonight we are going to see the Terminal. I'm not too excited about it. I know I'm the only person on earth that feels this way, but I hate Tom Hanks movies. I like two: Big and The Burbs. Neither made in the last like 15 years. Haven't liked one since. But Vic and Will wanta go, so I'm going.

Count down to the dreaded Lubbock trip: 3 days.

26 years old. Such an awkward age. It's not young enough to still really be considered "young and dumb" but it's not old enough to really know what the hell is going on. It's just sort of a blah age. I think that's how I'll feel until 30. That seems to be kind of a turning point. At least there is a name for people in their thirties, "the thirty-somethings crowd," so that will be nice. The association with people in their twenties is college and I've been finished with that for awhile now. On the few occasions when I go to the bar's these days, down on Fry St. by UNT, I feel old. Even if I'm not necessarily older in years, I am in that my college experience is over. Not that I'm sad about that...me and school have never gotten along too well. I don't learn the way the way most teachers want to teach so I was never to swell at it. But I graduated and that's what counts :).

Anyway, Happy Birthday to me. I'm a blah age until I'm 30 and then I think I'll briefly feel old, but I'll quickly get over it. I'm excited about aging, not scared of it at all. Fat people don't wrinkle and I think gray hair is pretty cool. I don't have any yet. In fact, yesterday I added more blonde. Then my super cool stylish chick blew my hair dry straight. It was fun. My parents were both shocked when they saw me.

Tonight we are going to the Magic Time Machine for dinner with Lance & Lori & the kids for Father's Day and Amanda's Day. It should be fun. I always loved that place as a kid and I'm excited to take Kelsi, Autumn, & Reagan there. They will love it. I'm sad that Vic has to work though. But tomorrow night my parents, Vic, brother Will, and I are going to Fogo de Chao for dinner and then coming home to my ice cream cake :). That's for my birthday again so Vic can be there.

NOTE: I attempted to "blog this!" to both restaurants, but neither worked. SO I will add that later. Both are so awesome, MTM everyone is dressed in different characters and all the tables have a theme like the Valentine's booth and a real school bus. FDC is a Brazilian steak house that you don't order off a menu. Everyone gets a plate and goes to a kick ass salad bar, then they bring you a clean plate and every person has a coaster with red on one side, green on the other. When you flip it to green (for GO!), all these men with big skewers of meat come running by you asking if you would like this and that. They bring family sized mashed potatoes, fried bananas, and this strange bread. It's wild.

Survey finds over 60% of clinically obese women began dieting before 14

More proof diets don't work. I mean, anyone can loose weight...but it's that whole gaining it back thing that makes diets have a 95% failure rate. If I was diagnosed with XYZ disease and they said "here is the treatment, it will cost a shit ton of money and there is a 5% chance it works." I'd tell um something about where the sun don't shine.

The majority of people don't get to be fat like me any other way than dieting. I lost 20, gained 25, lost 25, gained 30, and so on. That's why people in this country are getting fatter...they keep dieting.

The majority of people aren't cool like me either, but that's a whole nother story!

Starting with the letter

These kid's interpretations of idioms has really amused me. I just love stuff like this. Kids are funny.

So I missed Moe's shower because of my parents having eye rot. I am so glad that I am going to the wedding because I cannot miss Moe in THAT dress!

So, Mandy moved back in with us. But just til August. It's a long story, but suffice to say that where she was was too cramped and she can't get into the apt she wants til Aug. So with William here, 2 giant dogs, 2 cats, and a married couple...why not add a Mandy into the mix?

We might be getting my car back today. We still don't know who finally paid for it to be fixed, but we are going this afternoon to find out. The #1 reason I want to know is so if it's screwed up again...we know where to start. I'll have to blog later the grand total of repairs this time 'round. I just can't wait to have my own wheels back. It's hard to rely on others to tote my ass around.

I am going to Aimee's "bachelorette" night in Lubbock the weekend of the 26th. It's been the biggest ass whip just trying to get the damn thing planned. And I'm just talking about the planning to get there. But one thing that I have learned from this planning fiasco...I am NOT making plans with other people ever again before I'm 100% sure of what I want to do. I hate being pressured into making plans. I am not a planner and all of the people that are involved in this shower know this about me. So from now on, my plan is to get everywhere on my own on my own damn time and if people don't like it...then don't invite me :). Am I excited about this weekend? About as excited as I would be if I were planning a root canal. So just in case anyone is wondering, I'm gona be in a horrible mood until I return home on the 27th.

Did I mention that Sunday I turn 26 and I get an ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins? That is the only thing I could think of to tell Vic I want. Well, except a VW Touareg.

SO we made it to Hobbs. We stopped in Andrews on Tuesday night because B&K were there looking at their house and ate with them at the CC. We were the only people there. I ordered what I order every time, chicken strips. I bit into strip #3 and there was a bone. I gagged. I don't eat things on bones (fried chicken, T-bone steak, pork chops, etc) because they completely creep me out. I couldn't eat anything else and it's going to be a long time, if ever, that I can eat those there again.

Yesterday Vic unloaded all the parents lights alone. Then he and I went to the U-haul place which had gone out of business. The address was printed on the receipt from U-haul. They don't exist. It took us forever to figure out where they moved too. Then Vic and William's two friends Anthony & Jordan loaded my parents formal dining table, 8 chairs, china cabinet, buffet table, couch, & two fluffy chairs into this tiny U-haul. I was amazed it all fit. But all that is mine now. Yeah. I can't wait to get home and see it.

Vic left this morning at 6ish. He has to find someone to help unload it...William is not enough help. I think the U-haul has to be back tomorrow, so who knows who he is going to scrounge up.

Tomorrow I'm having lunch with Bernadette, she is off work for the day of mourning. Then I'm getting a manicure & pedicure. Fun.

My mom gave me some Burt's Bees tinted moisturizer and I love it.

Moe or anyone else who cares to clue me in, what time is your shower and where is it??? I'm excited :).

The New York Times > Health > I Beg to Differ: The Fat Epidemic: He Says It's an Illusion:

This is a nice article. Pretty middle of the road, if you ask me. Just stating the facts. I do have to comment on this:

"Everyone notices that there are more overweight people now."

The bigger issue is WHY people notice fat people more...because the media bombards us with grossly thin people (think: Lara Flynn Boyle). We get used to seeing those people so then when we see a normal person (think: Sara Rue) we call her "fat." When in all actuality she is normal. We have also become so obsessed with thin that we notice those that aren't.

Anyway, I'm off to Hobbs. Probably the last time I'll ever be at my parents house there because as of August they will live in Andrews. I think they think that I will come visit as often as I always have. Well, that is just not true. I have to say that I spent about the first 20 years of my life avoiding Andrews and that's probably not going to change significantly. I mean, I'm sure I will go...but not like I do now. I'll still go to Hobbs, stay with the grandparents, stop by the parents house on the way to and from. It's also going to be an especially sad trip because this is the first time I'll be there since Rowdy died. It's going to be strange.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISTI! I'm worthless and didn't call you, but I thought about you all day.

Now, I know I'm and old stick-in-the-mud and that I really shouldn't put this much thought or effort into this...but what the hell is wrong with Miss, sorry, Mrs. J-Lo??? I mean, does she really believe that a marriage to a man that has only been divorced ONE WEEK will be the lifelong mate she's dreamed of? Maybe it's like Brittany Spears wedding and she will sober up and get it annulled. Either way, I bet they don't make it a year.

We are off to Hobbs tmw. We moved our table that was in the dining room into the breakfast area, without the leaf of course. We also sold the old kitchen table to a kid that Vic works with. He just moved out of his parents house. It was a really cute table, but it was SO cheap that I was just waiting for the day it feel apart. Don't buy stuff at Rooms To Go, it's crappy.

I have comments! Someone please comment!

We are about to blow away. Tonight we've been under a tornado WARNING and it's been raining forever. The little town on the other side of Denton from us, Krum, reported 4.5 inches of rain in 1.5 hours. I had the cats already in the bathroom just in case we had to herd the poodles in there too to take cover. And in the middle of it, once they got rid of the tornado warning and it just went to flash flood watch...William wanted to go get wings. So I took him to WingStop, but on the way home he was saying "Maybe this was a mistake..." He's obviously from the desert.

We aren't leaving until Tuesday. We just have too much to do to leave tomorrow and with me staying until Sunday...I wanted to wait another day to leave.

I did have an exciting day today. Mandy called a little after noon and asked if I'd ride with her to the "landfill." I foolishly agreed. Seems her parents freezer lost power and they didn't know it so 200$ of new cow and all the salmon they brought back from Alaska...melted? Well, it was damn nasty. And the landfill didn't smell any better. We saw a dead skunk on the way there and I wanted her to stop and pick it up to use as air freshener! After she put on rubber gloves and slung the trash bags into the dumpsters we had to go wash out the sludge that was still in the back. The smell was STILL there. She poured bleach in the back. If that doesn't get it out they are really gona have to get rid of that truck. It's that nasty. She's still here though, can't get home cause of the storms. They are headed to her house so she would be driving right into them. I keep telling her to just stay, but she's whining about having to get up early to get home (Dallas) and get back to work (Carrollton) all before 8 am. Big Baby.

Ok, I'm off to watch the Soprano's. It's the season finally. I hope someone gets wacked!

I am very sad that good ol' Ronald Reagan died. He just seemed like a nice man. Of course, when someone says his name my mental picture is of him in the Sledgehammer video, you know, by Peter Gabriel. He's like made of rubber and in his bed about to drown or something crazy. My second mental view of him is the mask in Point Break that one of the bank robbers wears. Obviously I don't remember much about his presidency other than he was the president, but still I liked him.

Avery's party was fun. I couldn't go to sleep last night. I felt like I had a million things to do. I was folding laundry at 4:20 this morning and in the shower at 9. I didn't sleep much. I'm excited to go to bed tonight. I am going to make every effort to make it to church in the morning. I am going to beg William to go with me, but I seriously doubt I can talk him into it...but he doesn't have to leave for work until noon so maybe.

We are going to Hobbs on Monday. Vic is coming back here on Wed. and I'm staying til Sunday. We are taking my parents their lights for their house that they bought here and they are giving us their dining room furniture. I'm riding back w/ Mandy & her sister so I should see all the Goff's which will be fun. I've not seen Jason since his wedding last Sept!

Ok, I'm off to play AstroPop.

THIS is what I got Avery. Swimsuit and sandals and a hat. Well, Mandy got 1/2 of it. It's very cute and what Kim told me she wanted. I really wanted to buy THIS but it's not the one Kim wanted so I resisted.

In other news, seems the warranty will NOT be covering the over $6,000 in damages. They called today to tell me that when it was wrecked and we had it fixed, the body shop did not bolt the radiator back in right and it caused it to sit funny and rub the whole in the hose. SOOOO, Vic called the body shop and they were rude and said "we didn't even touch the radiator, this is not our problem" so he got the manager on the phone. We found the original estimate as well as the final itemized receipt and both mention radiator work. SO they lied. Last we knew, the body shop was headed to the VW dealership to take pictures of my Beetly. They never called us back, but we went down to the dealership and talked to our "service case manager" and he said that he is "optimistic" that the body shop's insurance will cover it all. But still, another damn weekend of holding my breath. If they don't we are going to get an attorney. This is the first time in my life that I've ever been serious about suing someone. I mean, after all, it does say in the bible that we should not sue each other (1 Corinthians 6:1-8) but if you try to work things out to no avail, then sometimes it's ok (Matt 18:15-17). I didn't grow up in a lawsuit family anyway, it just wasn't the way things were done. My family was more like the Mafia. Kidding. I wish, if so I would SO not be worrying about whether or not I will get my car fixed...I would KNOW it would be fixed. Ha ha.

I have had this disease for the last two days that I feel like I need to sneeze constantly and I can not. Vic gave me an allergy shot yesterday and I've been taking Clarinex. It kind of gets better and then it gets bad again. Like my eyes are watering so bad and I have the worst tingle nose but no sneezes. I would give anything to sneeze. I went in the kitchen last night and sniffed the pepper so I could sneeze and it was orgasmic. I felt better for a few minutes, but then it came back. This has never happened to me before and I hate it.

Wow, two blogs in one day. I'm good.

I met Kim and Bryan at the hospital yesterday to watch Avery while Drew had some tests done. Two year olds are great. I love how you can see their little minds exploring and constantly learning. She is very independent and stubborn. Just like her Moma. The tests all came back surprisingly well. Being with Drew I completely forget that he has Spina Bifida. It's a scary reality when someone brings it up.

After that I followed them back to their house. I hadn't been there yet since I've been without my Beetly. I have a LEWISVILLE VW SERVICE LOANER for now. The reason I say it like that is because that's how it's written in giant letters on my back glass. Neat. Their house is really cute.

Avery's second birthday party is tomorrow so I'll be going back for that. Today I need to go shopping for a gift. I really want to buy her clothes because little girl clothes are just so darn cute...but I'm sure she would rather have a toy.

I had ordered this months ago and it finally came yesterday. I was so disappointed because the "crop" pants need to be hemmed so they don't drag the ground...and it's not like I'm THAT short...5 feet 4 and 1/2 inches, thank you very much! Making it Big is my favorite fat girl store and everything always fits me exactly right. It's still very cute though. I have a thing for natural fiber clothing. No polyester on this fat girl!

Extreme Ironing Bureau :: Ironing under the sky

Are these people for real?