So we finally know that it's more a male factor than me (though, I still don't ovulate regularly). We were told that we needed to do IUI due to his viscosity. I had to have progesterone injections in November to start my period. We were supposed to wait for the first IUI until I was up to 2000 mg of Metformin, which I reached about 3 weeks ago. SO, we had been planning that this month was going to be the first month we got to have the IUI.

I started my period today, exactly 31 days since my last one started, without progesterone. This is the first time this has happened in a good year...I either go 60-90 days or have to use progesterone. Anyway, I was so excited to call the Dr.'s office and tell them. The nurse's response was "Oh, gosh, darn the luck. We better start next month because we are closed the 24-5th and you will ovulate between those dates."

I wanted to cry. I know it's just another month, but really it's going on 6 years. I keep telling myself that it's all in God's time anyway, and that obviously this egg is not the 1/2 of what is supposed to be our child...but that just hasn't seemed to work today...

Hell, I mean, Pampa has frozen over. Now it's 14 degrees, but feels like -4. The low tonight is 7. Hight tomorrow is 23. We still have snow on the ground from last Tuesday. I know that I'm build more like a polar bear than a flamingo, but I'm so not cut out for this.

Happy Birthday, Moe!

It's currently 22 degrees and feels like 6. We just got back from Amarillo where we stopped at Bahama Bucks and I got a snowcone. It's really no different than the people that drink coffee in the summer time. But it was kind of weird being able to see my breath running back to the car carrying my snowcone. Sure was good though.

I really need to be wrapping presents or going to the grocery store, but instead I'm doing absolutely nothing online...just randomly clicking to see random things. Like did you know that there used to be a camel native to North America? It's actually more closely related to llamas, but modern day camels--both dromendary (1 hump) & bactrain (2 humps) did evolve from it. I also looked up pepper. Like the black stuff that we shake into food. I was thinking about it and I didn't know where it came from exactly. Seems it's a crushed dried berry. Good to know.

I just watched Sydney White and thought it was so cute! It made me proud to be a dork, not that I'm not always proud, but you know. Her boy in it was cute too--and when he had the guys sing to her in the library it was SO sweet!

It's supposed to snow up to 3 inches on Tuesday. I'm scared. I'm not ready for this. I thought that I was, but now that it's here... I'm not. I'm ready to go home, DFW that is. Or Mexico. Mexico would work too.

BTW, am I the only human alive that had never heard of Twilight and when I did watch the preview, thought it looked dumb? I hate vampires. Go to a cosmetic dentist and a good dietician and get over it.

Did I mention that my great-grandmother's name was Twilight? Right now my name for a girl is Victory Twilight. That's fun to say. And I was pondering it before the dumb movie came out. But we have to get prego first...working on that...IUI soon!

I never got around to posting what all I'm thankful for this year, but I would like to share a few things that my 4th graders are thankful for according to an essay they wrote last week:

tables
chairs
water slides
deer jerky
"licktrisety" (electricity)
my soul
my covers
insects
fishes
"speshil pepul" (special people)
my sweet skills

HA! They amuse me. I am thankful for them!

There is this sleazy little joint called "Easy's Pop Shop" on the main drag here. Right next door is "Easy's 2." And next to that is "Easy's Laundromat." I was afraid at first, but I was curious. So finally, with Vic's support, we drove through the window at Easy's Pop Shop and ordered two large Dr. Peppers. What we got was Dr. Peppery goodness in it's best form--over perfect ice. Even more perfect than Sonic's ice, which sometimes I forget exists because so few places have it. The only other place I can think of is Pizza Mill & Sub Factory in H-town; another little sleazy joint. So since I have been sharing the bad, I thought I should share the good. One major downside though is that they close at 6 and are not open on Sundays. Just makes us be on our toes, really.

Tuesday, what would have been my Mom's 53rd birthday, is my last day of school for 5 whole days. We are going to Denton/DFW as soon as I get out of school. I'm most excited about getting my hair did on Wednesday. It looks bad. Real, real bad. We are staying at Dad's because William moved into our house and won't let us come back, not even for a visit. Mean. I'm a little afraid that going there will just make me that much more homesick.

P.S. Aunt Florance left right on time! Yeah!

Welcome, Aunt Florance, we have all been anxiously awaiting your arrival. Please don't stay as long as last time.

Lord help everyone if I don't bleed soon.

I had 2 shots of progesterone 8 days ago, and before that 5 days of the pill form. I have PMS from HELL. And have for the last 7 days. My face looks like a pizza. I called a shelter to take the cats because they piss me off--though I have decided to wait before I make a rash decision (Reason? Is that you I hear?). I started crying tonight when Vic came into the kitchen because he was laughing. At me. I just know it. Though he is still denying it. Oh, and I cut a large chunk of my hair off because it wouldn't go the right way.

In addition, I'm out of things to cook and that is the only thing that I have found to entertain myself in this POS town. Please send me recipes that do not have things that swim, things that I cannot pronounce, or loads of transfat, as the laughing hyena that I'm married too won't eat them. I would greatly appreciate it.

I'm going to growl at something.

It's the end of the world as we know it. And I feel sad.

Barry is the next president. Welcome to the U.S.S.A.

Happy Halloween, I mean, Story Book Character Day! Me, Jill, Ann, and Melodie--I mean, Viola Swamp!

Still no job. But I'm dealing with it better now. I know God brought us here for a reason, and right now I'm convinced that it's because of the fertility doc. But it could just be that we needed to get out of the house we were living in and I needed my faith in educators renewed. I now work for an AWESOME principal that honestly does what is best for kids and has a wonderful, positive attitude. So all will be fine.

In other news, Vic's "test" came back from the fertility dr. and it pretty much said that he is the reason we aren't getting prego. All these years Drs have just looked at my fat ass and said "the problem MUST be with her!" and although he was tested back in 03 when we first sought help, it seems there was a mistake. Someone stamped a big "NORMAL" stamp at the bottom of the results and no one until this Dr. has taken to time to look at anything other than the stamped word--but the actual number revealed issues. Which really didn't surprise either of us given the amount of radiation he has had--both for his own brain and being an x-ray tech for 8 years! That's not to say that I still don't have ovulation issues related to PCOS, but those are easily fixed w/ Clomid--which we always thought didn't work because we still weren't prego. But now we are going to try and see if I ovulate on my own and do IUI (interuterine insemination). So maybe soon we will have a Vicanda!

Dad and Sheri are coming today. They should be here soon. Everyone should come visit me. Please.

So It's the 8th week of school. We have lived in our house 4 weeks today. And Vic is unemployed. They fired him. For no reason. SO pray, please.

My dear friend, Amy, sent me this so I'm going to blog it so that I can get back to it easily:

Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

So at my school, when a teacher or student find a word that offends them in a library book, they take it down there and the library lady whites it out of the book.

Words that offend them are such things as: DANG it, go to HELL, GOD as in OMG, and CRAP.

All these books are, of course, on the state approved reading list.

So when I asked about it, I was told "tx is too liberal and that we as adults are responsible for keeping children safe from such profanity." I mentioned the word censorship and she said "they are children." And I said "the constitution applies to them too and the 1st amendment includes freedom of the press." I could tell she was annoyed and just walked away.

Am I wrong to think this is completely wrong? I mean, not that I want the kids to read the Lord's name in vain or anything, but I hear way worse on the playground!

We've moved in. We finally have internet. Misti came last weekend and helped us A LOT getting things unpacked. Things are starting to get settled. I've even made it through the 1st six weeks of school!

My biggest issue right now (other than that I'm still not unpacked) is that I want to buy things. Lots of things. New bedspread, new dishes, new rugs, new fun house things. Vic is shooting most of that down. But I'm still buying some things. Like a MacKenzie-Childs tea kettle & new placemats because they will be too cute in my kitchen! I still want the canisters and the clock and the pots and the rugs--all in Courtly Check print, of course. But so far I have been able to keep control.

My biggest complaint right now is not being able to find things that I need. Like organic meat and natural salt deodorant. I finally gave up and ordered 6 deodorants from thecrystal.com for 35 damn dollars due to over $10 in shipping. Before this runs out, I'm going to have to remember to buy it when I'm in DFW! I also researched and found a few places to buy organic meat in Amarillo so we are going to take a cooler and get some.

AND, last but definitely most important: my biggest joy. In about 5 minutes, Vic and I will have been married 6 years. Lots of ups and downs as you all know...but it has all been so worth it. I love him more today than I even knew possible 6 years ago, and I feel a greater love from him. Getting a divorce was the best thing we ever did for our relationship--crazy, I know. We decided not to count the time we were apart. Because there were only about 3-4 weeks that we didn't talk, and that was actually before we were divorced. After all, we did have dinner together the night our divorce was final! So earlier, as we talked about what we were doing 6 years ago tonight, we were both so thankful for where we are. Vic lost his wedding ring the day we moved into the house, the one that he designed to match the one he had made for me. I took him to James Avery tonight and bought him the Song of Solomon wedding band that has "My beloved is mine, and I am hers" in Hebrew on it. He was surprised and he loves it. Marriage is good.

We closed on our new house on Friday--we finally have a home! I will post pictures soon. We are in Corinth this weekend getting the last few things together. I'm going back tonight, but Vic will stay here until tomorrow so that he can be here when the movers load us. They are delivering everything on Tuesday-yeah!!!

In other news, I'm 1 million times better. I feel super and even better, no more tampons!

Update: Went to the Dr. yesterday morning. They admitted me into the hospital and did a D & C. Got home about 9 or so last night. I already feel a million times better and I'm just barely spotting. Plus I have good prescription drugs. There is FINALLY a light at the end of the tunnel. Worst part: I was SO dehydrated that 3 different people tried to get blood from me before they got it AND 2 people tried to get the IV started. They dug in both hands. I cried and cried and was really embarrassed. It was so pathetic that Vic even teared up...which made us both laugh.

Going back to bed...it's manditory nap time.

***Rather graphic post. Consider yourself warned.***

So before there can be any Vamanda's running around, I HAVE to stop bleeding! I am damning Eve for that bite of apple. Aunt Flo showed up on June 15 and she refuses to leave. The Dr. in Amarillo that did indeed say that he would help me get prego, gave me a high does of progesterone for 8 days to try to stop the insane bleeding. On days 7 and 8, I was pretty much down to spotting--yeah! THEN, like all things that seem too good to be true, Sunday I started cramping and bleeding more heavy-like. Monday it was worse. Tuesday, I was going through a super tampon in about 30 minutes. So I called Vic to bring me pads--something I've NEVER worn--but I had to work. By 10 a.m., 2 hours after school started, I had been in the bathroom 4 times, and had still gone through a super pad & cork & pants & shirt...I was cramping so bad I was yacking. I went home. I called the Dr., his nurse said that they forgot to tell me that this would likely happen. The progesterone mimicked ovulation, and when I stopped taking it, a "true" period began and that the bad part shouldn't last more than 48-72 hours, and then it would taper off and ideally be gone for another 28 days.

So this morning, I thought I was somewhat better. I got up, took a shower, the usual. I remember putting on deodorant in the bathroom/bedroom. Next thing I know, I'm laid out in the living room floor, in the dark, naked, and crying. I have NO memory of how I got there. Vic said that I took off out of the room and the next thing he knew there was a thud and crying. It was so weird. SO again, I didn't work. I am bleeding profusely, cramping horribly, and passing out.

Tomorrow I'm working even if Vic has to tie me up right to my chair and I have to sit on towels and wear Depends.

SO yeah, that's mostly why I haven't blogged. Because the only thing going on is extremely gross. But if the good Doc is correct, this will be gone soon and I will feel like thinking about something else. If not, I may go postal.

Damn Eve.

SO the first week in Pampa was, well, the first week. Several of the women I work with kill things w/ bows or ride motorcycles. I took my clothes to the cleaners on Friday thinking they would probably be done late Monday--nope, late Wednesday--5 days for 3 pairs of capri pants and 3 shirts. Sonic takes at least 5 minutes before they come on the speaker to take your order if there are more than 3 or 4 cars there. My classroom is OLD and filthy and doesn't have a/c yet, so I worked in the heat all week. We are still homeless.

Bright side: I am excited about teaching science & social studies. The district has some really cool software. The weather is cooler and drier there. I'm going to be so busy w/ teaching new subjects AND general ed that this year should breeze by and then I can move if I need to.

Please come visit me--it doesn't look like I'm going to have many friends there. Especially after I tell them that the only hunting I do is in shopping malls and online--ha ha.

***Congrats to cousins Derek & Lisa--and welcome to the family little Hunter!

So we were on our way to Pampa and they called and said we could have the house--they changed their minds. But I had emotionally prepared myself to keep looking, so rather than turning around and going home, we kept going and found one that we like better. It's OLD...like my Grandma old, but it's been completely redone by Lance's mom & step-dad. It won't be ready for 3 weeks, but they have offered to let us stay in their guest house until it is ready. I will post some pictures soon!

I just have to share this. I don't know what we were talking about but Kim rattled this off to me:

"If ifs and buts were candy and nuts we'd all have a Merry Christmas"
-Kim Sims Bell

It makes me laugh every time I think of it. I know she didn't make it up, but I'd never heard it and coming from her in the situation we were in...it was awesome!

Vic is better, but in true fashion of the everything-that-can-go-wrong,-will-theme of the summer, they have decided not to sell us the house. It was listed for 149900, the appraisal came back that it was 130 someodd square feet smaller than listed, so the value is only 135000...great for us! Well, the dumb ass relocation co., Graebel, didn't have the house appraised before paying the home owner the offering price that we agreed on. SO, now they have chosen to back out of their contract because we 1. can't get a loan for more than the house is worth and 2. won't pay more than it's worth...because it's NOT worth it! I'm not real sure who they think is going to pay more than the house is worth, but I've got news for them: people that can afford to pay cash (or a very large down payment to cover the difference in what they want and what it's worth) are NOT going to be buying a house that small and for that little amount of $...they will go much bigger. But whatever. I suppose it just wasn't meant to be. So we are going BACK to frickin' Pampa tomorrow to look at more houses...

William and Heather came today to help me clean out my classroom. I thought it would be sadder than it was. But I was kinda glad to be outta there. I didn't clean it up as nicely as I should have...but there was no a/c...they want me to clean, they can turn on the air...otherwise, not my problem!

We leave Monday for New York. We will be back the following Monday. 36 hours before I start work in Pampa and I have no where to live and my house isn't packed.

Stress.

Vic's in the hospital. He had to have emergency surgery to remove his appendix. Anyone willing to come help me pack...this is so NOT fitting into our schedule! I'm just home for a minute to get our cell phone chargers and something more comfortable to sleep in because he wants me to stay at the hospital. Oh, and to let Nancy out. He's good though, joking around and talkin' shit...so basically back to normal.

So I FINALLY saw Sex & the City tonight with Jamey. I loved it. It was great. All I could ask for...more really...because I couldn't imagine how they would put so much of what we had all grown to love with the girls into a movie. But they did, and I applaud them for that. I teared up a few times through the movie...but not as much as I thought. But I did cry all the way home. And even sat in the garage and cried once I was home.

As I left Jamey at the theater, after we stood and talked and laughed a bit outside and walked to our cars in the rain and hugged and stated that we'd see each other this weekend, it hit me. Like a Mack truck. I'm leaving. I'm moving away from every security blanket that I have. My dad, bothers, friends, work, house, even Nancy's vet, EVERYTHING. The last time I moved away from somewhere (Lubbock) the world still seemed so big and full of possibilities. I don't know when that feeling left me, but it did. I don't want to go anywhere because I'm not interested in the possibilities that are left in the world to explore. I like my life, here, in DFW...right where I've been for the last 8 years. I've made my HOME here.

I don't see Jamey and Kim very often, but there is something so comforting about the fact that I can drive 30 minutes and meet Jamey for a movie about girlfriends and love. Kim can drive 30 minutes to come over once she gets the kids in bed to sit outside and talk til' 4 a.m.

I'm really sad to be leaving here. And very overwhelmed by how fast things are happening.

Since we last spoke...

I have turned 30 and had the most fabulous semi-WT party around. Jamey, Kim, Vic, William, Mandy, Kelly, etc. are the best friends ever! It was just perfect. William grilled, Kelly let us borrow the kegerator, Jamey made the most delish cupcakes (including a giant pink one for me!), Vic and Mandy cleaned the back yard....it was just awesome! I love yall!

We have also bought a house in Pampa, so it is officially our new home. Follow this link: tinyurl.com/5kud6z to see it. I'm really excited to live in a smaller house. This one has just been TOO big for us! BUT! We still have a guest bedroom, so PLEASE come visit us! It's going to be an adventure for sure! I am excited to live close to Chappell again--she's about 45 mins away in Amarillo. I'm going to be teaching science & social studies to 4th graders, which is also pretty exciting since I love those two subjects.

Here I sit on my birthday eve and am surprised to report that I'm not bothered at all by the fact that this is my last day in my twenties. Growing up, I always wanted to be older. I wanted to be a "teen" when I was twelve, I wanted to be fifteen to drive, then 18 to vote, go to college, etc., then 21 to drink and go to Vegas, then 25 to rent a car, etc. I actually remember writting a paper in 6th grade about turning 35 and running for president. I predicted that I would not be the first woman president, as I was sure then that it would have for sure happened by the time I was so OLD at 35. As a side note, I'm really glad it's NOT going to happen this year...and that I've lost that desire to run!

Anyway, on my 17th birthday my Mema gave me a charm for my braclet that said "Happy Birthday" on one side and had "17 more 34" engraved on the back side. She always said that I acted twice my age. I hope that's not the case these days--ha ha--especially since I still feel 17!

So I went to see "The Happening." For anyone that knows me, knows that is not like me. I am a chicken. I didn't used to be, but it developed sometime in the last 10 years-ish. But I like M. Night Sham-a-lama-ding-dong. SO I went with Vic. It got really bad reviews and I now I know why. It was a frickin' environmental statement movie and I wish that someone would have warned me about all the suicide. For those of you that go, just be warned...the "happening" that happens...makes people kill themselves. In the first few minutes of the movie you figure this out, so I didn't spoil anything. But when the girl takes the metal chop stick out of her hair...close your eyes. This is the first one of his movies that I didn't like. I even liked Lady in the Water, which a lot of people didn't. Anyway, I'd love to hear other opinions.

We might be moving to Pampa, TX. It's a big possibility "might" too. I have an interview there on Tuesday at 9, so cross your fingers for me! Not real excited about the town...but I'm trying to look at this as an adventure. I just need an answer.

I'll be 30 in a week. Weird.

I went to my first appointment with the highly recommended fertility doctor and was lectured about how he could not "ethically" treat me because I was "obviously so self destructive" and once I show that I'm "serious about wanting help" getting pregnant (by loosing weight) then to come back and we can talk about it. He said that there are many birth defects that babies of fat mom's are prone to (but couldn't tell me what they were) AND that I was at a much higher risk for death if I were to get pregnant (even though he said many times that he had delivered healthy babies to women much larger than myself). He told me that by helping me get pregnant that he would also be contributing to the childhood obesity problem because he was sure that my children would be fat. He, and his nurse, attempted to refer me to a "bariatic specialist" because there are GREAT results with the Roux-En-Y procedure (but earlier he was concerned that I might die...right....)!

He did acknowledge that I'm healthy--on paper--no abnormal blood work, blood pressure, etc. With the exception of Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, which includes being fat as a SYMPTOM.

SO that's that. No babies for my fat ass, because obviously my parenting abilities are determined by the fact that I'm fat.

And we can't adopt because of Vic's record from his college days--one charge, no conviction, but because it was something that COULD have hurt someone...now he is an unfit parent.

SO unless it starts raining babies, it looks like we will be shopping for a new poodle soon...

7 School Days. So close, yet so far away. It's so weird for it to be Memorial Day, but more school days are ahead. I never like these last few days because everyone is DONE--kids, teachers--all of us. The library is closed. Text books have to be turned in tomorrow. So what's the point?

Tonight Vic, William, Heather, and I are going to Lance and Lori's to cook out. I'm about to go to the store to get the stuff to make a salad & homemade ranch dressing. I have spent the last hour googling "Chili's Ranch Dressing" but I can't find a copy cat recipe that seems right. I'm just tired of only liking ranch dressing in restaurants. It's not good out of a bottle and I have grown tired of the mix some mayo & milk w/ a packet kind. I finally settled on one that got good reviews, so we shall see.

So You Think You Can Dance came back last Thursday. I love it SO much! It's the most fun show ever. It inspires me to dance...of course not like them, because well, they are the size of my thigh, but I think that Vic and I are going to take dance lessons. Not sure what kind, and for sure not until I am finished w/ school (graduating in August--yeah!) and until my feet are fixed (June 20th having Extracorporeal Shock Wave Technology, aka Ossatron) but we are! And I can't wait! But for now, you so need to watch it!

I have the best "natural high" today. This weekend was my dear friend Jared's wedding to another friend, Ashley, in Austin. Kim, Mandy, Teri, and I went down Friday and came back yesterday. I have not had that much fun in years. I partied like a rock star. I drank good keg beer. I danced in a conga line. But the best part of the weekend was the reminder of how blessed I am to have such wonderful friends. I hadn't seen Jared, Landon, Hog, Toby, Bobby, Amanda, and Dustin since our reunion almost 2 years ago...we picked up without missing a beat! It made me miss Lubbock so bad when we all lived right together. It really was just like old times--it was so hard to leave yesterday. I told Mandy that I wanted to do what we usually did "the day after" the party ended--go eat Mexican food and all lay around at someone's house and watch movies on TNT until they looped back around and started again...but instead, I drove home and got in bed. We all vowed not to let 2 years pass by again without getting together!

I'm am all about respecting our earth, conservation, and promoting recycling. But I am SO sick of hearing about GREEN things! It makes me want to run around turning faucets on and letting them run, throw trash out of my car window, and tripple bag at the grocery store. SO, I'm especially annoyed that NBC is pimpin' it so hard that I can't even think about anything else! Not to mention that they don't ever disclose the fact that they are very connected to GE! Like my hero, Glenn Beck, said "They really should say 'Hey, we are doing green week here so we can shill all of our fancy new green light bulbs. It's almost like we are creating news to sell stuff.'"

Did I mention that I couldn't care less about "Global Warming?" Recent news says that we are in a COOLING trend --Al Bore, I mean, Gore, can inconviently bite me.

My toe has a heart beat.

**NOTE** This is a rather gross post...sorry.

Went to the Dr. Monday to discover that the baseball sized cyst is back and slightly larger. Just by a cinemeter or so. Still on the rt. ovary. He doubled the amount of Clomid I'm taking this month and I'm feeling a wee bit crazy and nauseous. He said hopefully the increased Clomid will "break through" the cyst. He also said that this is the last month we will try it. So please keep us in your prayers that the Clomid causes me to ovulate this month...because at least that would mean that Mr. Ovary is indeed capable of working. After that, we go on to a even more special fertility specialist.

Today, however, I am going to the podiatrist. TMI, I know, but I have a frickin' infected ingrown toenail that is driving me crazy! I haven't had to have one fixed by a Dr. since I was in 7th grade. I'm sure you are saying to yourself, "I've never had to have one fixed by a Dr...." but for some reason, Matthews' DNA provides us with a rare condition known as RBT Disease. ABT (Abnormal Big Toe) Disease effects my dad (who had his big toenails completely removed), myself, brother Lance, and cousin Misti that I know of for sure. Now, at least once or twice a month I have to dig in the sides of my big toes to make sure that nothing is growing in the wrong direction...and sometimes I go too long and have to "operate" on my own toe to remove something that has. This usually just involves some rubbing alcohol, a metal digger stick, and some nippers. But that has proved insufficent this go round. It started to bother me about 3-4 weeks ago. I dug what I could out and thought that it would heal. But since then, it has just gotten worse...so I thought that I would let it grow until I could really get it...but that hasn't worked. And now it hurts so bad that I can't wear shoes...which I have to do since I work. :). Thankfully, I'm an established patient of Dr. Nicole Hancock's b/c of the plantar fasciitis (which is the other reason I have to wear shoes) and they can see me today. SO there is an end in sight!

Misti is coming this weekend. She hasn't come to see me in a REALLY long time. I'm not sure what we are going to do. But I'm sure that some of it will involve sitting on the back porch talking. Because that's what we do best.

THE SOUNDTRACK OF MY LIFE:

Opening credits: Girl Like You--Edwyn Collins (Empire Records Soundtrack)
Dreaming about someone scene: Everywhere--Fleetwood Mac
Waking up scene: Walking on Sunshine-Katrina and the Waves
Average day scene: Today Was a Good Day--Ice Cube
Friends scene: We Walk The Same Line--Everything But the Girl
First date scene: He Loves U Not--Dream
Falling in love scene: At Last-Etta James
Driving scene: Riders on the Storm--The Doors
Fight scene: B.Y.O.B--System of a Down
Chase scene: Wake Up The Neighborhood - Holland (Girls Just Wanta Have Fun Movie)
Love scene: I'll Be There For You--Bon Jovi
Mellow love scene: Cherry Bomb--John C. Mellencamp
Sex scene: Your Love is King--Sade
Fight with friend scene: Ohh Child (things are gonna get easier!)--5 Stair Steps
Fight with partner scene: When Doves Cry--Prince
Angry/Bitter scene: Bulls on Parade--Rage Against the Machine
Breakup scene: Shadowboxer--Fiona Apple
Get back together scene: Back in Baby's Arms--Patsy Cline
Long night alone scene: Wicked Game--Chris Isaak
Sad scene: When Fallin Angles Fly--Patty Loveless
Heartbreak scene: Don't Cry--Guns N Roses
Evil/Revenge scene: Angry Johnny--Poe
Mental breakdown scene: Straight to Hell--Drivin' and Cryin'
Contemplation scene: Watershed--Indigo Girls
Regret scene: Sorry--Buckcherry
Lesson learning scene: Life in the Fast Lane--Eagles
Life's okay scene: Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay--Ottis Redding
Party scene: California Love--2Pac
Death scene: Wendy--Concrete Blonde
Nostalgia scene: Ditty--Paperboy
Happy ending scene: I Can Only Imagine--Mercy Me
Closing credits: Closing Time--Semisonic

Happy 33rd Birthday Vic!

Mandy, Teri, Leanna, Noel, and I went to dinner w/ Vic at Oishi in Lewisville. It's a Japanese cook-at-the-table place. Mandy was the only one who had been there, but it was really good. The chef was the best one I've ever seen! They even gave him cheesecake and a Makers Mark & coke (his drink of choice) and sang him happy birthday w/ a gong--it was great! Everyone but me went on to Barfly's for a few more drinks, but I have to go to work so I came home. I have a feeling they might call me to come get them, it's all good though :).

Vic had a neurologist appointment today. We still don't know anything. Nothing came back on the blood work, so she took more blood and is referring him to a stroke specialist, whatever that is...a strokologist? It's been suggested that he may have had a stroke when he was born, but I just don't think that is the root of these problems since they didn't start until just the last few years. But whatever, I'm a special ed teacher not a strokologist.

Nancy went to a new beauty shop today, Cut and Fluff in Lake Dallas. She looks so beautiful...she has fancy pink bows in her ears. I will try to take a picture and post it...she's just precious. I really think she liked it there, when I went to get her she was still playing w/ the women in there...usually she is fightin' to get out the door to get home! So dispite the fact that it really smelt like smoke, I think we have found a new groomer.

The neurosurgeon said that the "growth" in his spinal cord might be a "tumor, scar tissue, a sign of MS, or a shadow." For now we were just told to go back to the neurologist to do more testing for MS and to have another MRI done in 6 months to a year to check the growth. It's between C6 & 7 in the spine.

So I suppose no news is better than bad news? I guess they could have said, "sorry, brain cancer, you have 2 hours to live." But they didn't so I'm being positive. But I'm angry at how we found out AND that the frickin' neurologist just called TODAY to tell us that he was being referred...thanks, bitch, the appt. was yesterday. We are writing a letter to someone about it, but we aren't sure who to write to yet.

Thanks to all my praying friends, for the prayers already prayed and those that we still need. We see the neurologist on Wednesday, which is also Vic's 33rd birthday. Pray for more good news, no MS, no tumors, and for his crazy muscle spasms/tension to be something that can be easily fixed...and my sanity...and for a baby for the crazy muscle spasm couple. I feel like I'm writing a letter to Santa...but really it's just for yall to pray about! I love yall! :)

I'm off to William & Heather's wedding in the morning. It's Saturday. Yeah for weddings!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MANDY RUE & AMY WALLER!

So I was just on the phone with Kelly and I got a beep from UT Southwestern Medical Center. Vic saw a neurologist there about 3 weeks ago because of some issues with his muscles contracting and being stiff for no reason. They sent him for an MRI last Monday, the 10th and scheduled an appt. for Apr 2nd (Vic's birthday, no less). So today when they show up on caller ID, I'm just assuming that it's something with that. So here's the conversation:

Girl: "Hi, is Fred there?"

Me: "No, can I take a message?"

Girl: "This is So-and-so from UT Southwestern Neurosurgery department and I need to set up an appointment for him."

Me: "Well. He has an appt. on Apr. 2nd, does he need another one?"

Girl: (clicks on the computer for a few second) "Oh, yes, that's with the neurologist, this is the neuroSURGERY and he has been referred to us."

Me: "He doesn't know he even needed to be referred anywhere, we haven't gotten the MRI report yet."

Girl: (after a good 20 seconds of awkward silence) Well, I'm not sure why he hasn't been contacted. I just have the referral here from Dr. Whatever and it says to get him in ASAP.

Me: "Here is his cell phone, call him."

So I gave it about 5 minutes and called him. He doesn't know anymore than I did. So I had him call the Dr's office and they told him that they have 15 days to get him the report and that the nurse is gone for the day but they will leave a message for her to call him tomorrow. He called me back to tell me and I told him to call again and have the nurse paged TONIGHT. I haven't heard back from him.

This is SO not cool. How the fuck do they just call and say "You've been referred to a neurosurgeon ASAP, but we don't know why." Someone should have called him and told him that he was being referred for reason XYZ. And now I'm crazy wanting to know what is wrong with his brain now that looks as if he needs brain surgery....

So please pray for Vic. And me. We are really just too busy worrying about getting pregnant to have brain surgery thrown in the mix. That does damper the plans a tad.

Oh, and go ahead and ask Davis to ask God to protect Vic's brain along w/ his throw up. (gag).

More later....

SO the 2 year anniversary of Mom's death was offically March 10th, but today is the Friday before Spring Break and that's what day the 10th landed on 2 years ago. So much has happened since then. But at the same time if feels like it was yesterday. They say time heals all wounds...but I think that is just something we tell ourselves. Really, we just find something to occupy our minds rather than the wound; but when things like the anniversary of your Mom's suicide rolls around it feels just as fresh. Anyway, I made it through Monday fine, I suppose. I had dinner with Dad and William. We didn't talk about her much, but we did order her a dessert and sat it where she should have been sitting. That was a rather somber moment that didn't need much said about it. The poor little waitress didn't understand why we weren't eating it, didn't want a box, and said that it was great...it was better to leave her clueless.

I started my period today. Normally that wouldn't be blog worthy, but it is the first one I've started w/out drug help at the scheduled time (26-30 days since the last one) in about a year. I've been taking Metaformin to help with the ovarian cysts and to hopefully get myself knocked up. The cysts are gone, Aunt Flo is visiting on her own free will, and the Clomid has been called in to the Greens-of-Wal. SO lets all cross our fingers and say some prayers that this works!

William and Heather will be married in only 15 days. I'm getting excited to go to the wedding. It's hard to believe that it was a year ago that he proposed. Time goes so fast when you are getting old. Speaking of old, Kim will only be in her twenties for 1 more week. Then, she will enter the "Dirty Thirties" as I've recently heard them called, which I find rather amusing. I used to hate being the youngest of my friends...but I'm starting to enjoy it.

I saw this website on Nightline tonight and think it is extremely cool. I know Misti will think so too, so I decided to share. This man is posting his grandfather's letters from WW1 in real time, 90 years to the date after he wrote them. I'm going to go back and read through them and try to keep up with it.

We had a great time last weekend. It was good to see Leah. It was very low-key which made me happy :).

Nancy had her teeth cleaned and a big cyst removed off her knee today. I can't stand that she is getting old. She still seems like a puppy! But all is good for now, she had a bunch of blood work done before the surgery and she got a clean bill of health.

I'm off to bed. Vic works tomorrow (leaves at 4 flippin' 30!) and Nancy is ready to get in bed...so I'm going too. I have big plans of gettin' my hair did and going to Teacher's Tools tomorrow--whoo-hooo!

I'm waiting on my dear friends, Kim and Leah, to arrive so at any moment I may cut this short...but I thought I'd give a quick update. Leah's in town for the weekend so they are spending the night. I'm really excited to see her...I haven't seen her for more than just a minute or ten in several years. We are going up to 2 Charlies, a new bar/restaurant in Denton that Mandy is working at now that she graduated with her masters degree :). She will get a real job soon!

My most favorite news of the minute is that we ARE NOT moving to Albuquerque! I had resigned myself to being ok with it, but I really didn't want to leave my friends and family who are mostly in this area. Vic gave it a good run, but due to some circumstances completely beyond his control, we decided it would be better to come home. He got a job at a "safety man" at T.K. Stanley, the co. that bought my parents out a few years back. So even though I went off to college, met someone who had no ties to the oil field, and moved to Dallas...he somehow found his way to becoming oil field trash, just like me! It's long hours, but decent pay, and he seems to really enjoy it so far--life is good!

I finally went to a fertility doc in Plano. He came highly recommended by two friends of mine--one who is fat, he also has some locally famous clients (wives of Cowboys, anchorwomen, etc.), but I was still really nervous. But I loved him! It went very well. He confirmed what I've known since I was 14--I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I have a ginormous cyst on my right ovary, about the size of a smallish baseball, and my left one is covered in pea to quarter size cysts. These keep me from ovulating. If I weren't trying to get prego, he would have put me on birth control because that cuts off hormones to the ovaries, which would shrink the cysts. But we are, so he put me on Metaformin, a drug for diabetes that for some reason, shrinks cysts. I go back in about 2 weeks for another sono to measure the shrinkage. Other than that, all tests suggest that I should be able to get prego. So keep your fingers crossed for us.

I got a new car...well, new to me. It was Mema's car. My grandfather originally bought it because I had told him that he would love it and it was really what I wanted when I got my Saturn, but it was more than I wanted to spend. He called me after he had driven it one day and said that if I wanted it, I could come get it. So I did. It's a beautiful Chrysler 300C...ohh...they are here!

More later!

I have a lot to update, but I'm too tired tonight (I was in my old classroom today!). But until then, here is my letter to Sheri in responce to one she sent me. The story is basically that Vic and I didn't go to Denver for Christmas because I was sick. I didn't go to Dad and Sheri's because it was only Sheri's kids over there. Instead, we went to Kim & Bryan's and had dinner and then helped be Santa for Avery and Drew. It was a really great night. Once William did get here and we got together a few times, Sheri completely ignored me--which is fine by me! But below is good reading. It starts off w/ my email, but shortly you will see hers (in parenthesis) with my responces.
_____________________________________________________
Sheri--

When two people argue, it is best for others to not intervene. The arguments that occur between my Dad and I are just that, between us. For you to treat me the way you have for the past two weeks (which I knew was because you were butting into my business and chose to let your feelings get hurt) and then to to play the "for the sake of your dad's health" card by send me an email filled with accusatory tones covered in "I" messages will NOT improve our relationship. I'm not sure what you thought this email to me would accomplish, but if it was to piss me off, then you succeed. If it was to open the can of worms back up between dad and I, only causing us both more stress, then you succeed. You also succeeded in turning this into being about Sheri, something you are also very good at.

Here is my response you your email:

(January 5, 2008

Dear Amanda,
I'm writing to you tonight because I have a problem.)

The key word there is YOU. You have a problem about something that is none of your business. The arguement was between my father and I. No one else.

(It's a type of problem that I've never had to deal with before, and it's extremely important that I handle it to the best of my ability because it is a problem that could have life altering effects.)

Life altering effects? ON WHO!?

(For starters, I need you to know that I love you, you are extremely important to me, and I value our relationship, therefore I decided to write, and not try to do this face to face. I was concerned that if I tried to meet with you to discuss my problem, it might create an uncomfortable situation where either of us could say words we would later regret. By writing, it gives me time to read and re-read my words in hopes that I'm clear and that I'm sending the message I intend to convey.)

Good use of "I" messages. You waited two weeks to bring up something that my father and I had moved past.

(I know that you and your father have routinely had disagreements through the years. I know that you both try to shake them off and act as if nothing happened; as if didn't hurt either of you. I know that after you've had words, within a few days you're both back to talking to each other as if the words had never been spoken. I've heard about it from both of you, and witnessed it first hand over the past several months.)

Last I checked, he doesn't need anyone to fight (or flight!) his battles for him.

(However, the words do hurt your father. As you know, your father is not as healthy as he once was, and these episodes now impact his wellbeing; they cause his blood pressure to soar, and his adrenaline to spike. For a man with diabetes, a history of heart problems and two heart stints, surges in his blood pressure and adrenaline can be life threatening.)

I know about his health. I was there for the heart problems, the stints, the diabetes, etc.

(When we learned you didn't go to Colorado for Christmas, I assumed you'd be joining us.)

You know what they say about assuming...

(But, when your father reminded you that we'd like you to join us, you told him you wouldn't be coming. You went on to tell him you were waiting for the Matthews Christmas, you didn't want to be a part of the Kennedy Christmas that you don't like Joe and didn't want to be around him.)

Waiting for William is more of what I said. But yes, being around Joe is not my idea of Christmas. During your wedding rehersal he told Lance and I "I won't play with your asses and you don't play with mine." Funny to him, offensive to me. I chose not to be around people that I'm not comfortable with. I am not comfortable with him.

(At this point your father became very angry, and as such his body kicked into a natural defense state to prepare him to fight (fight or flight theory).)

Like you pointed out, he chose to respond to me.

(He was angry to the point that his adrenaline spiked high enough to enable him to effortlessly jerk two six foot steel t-posts out of the dry hard ground.)

Wow! Glad to see he still has it!

(These stakes had been in the ground over two years supporting the growth of a tree. We'd not had rain for perhaps weeks.)

Maybe something to talk to Mom about...maybe she could ask the Big Guy for some rain...

(After pulling out the two stakes, he walked over to the corner of the yard to calm down. On his way into the house he stopped by the tree to pull out the last stake. It was so solidly planted in the ground that he couldn't even get it to wiggle.)

Well, hell, then he should have called me back...I could have told him a got my tongue pierced or something...(just kidding, Dad!)

(I tell you this as evidence of the amount of adrenaline he must have had surging though his body when he pulled out the other two. I have photos of the t-posts if you'd like to see them.)

I know my father and how he acts when he gets mad. I don't need "evidence." I also know what t-stakes look like. But the fact that you are offering me pictures is odd; the fact that you took pictures is odd.

(Amanda, I don't have to tell you, this kind of rage could easily have cost him his life.)

Then why are you? You say that you don't have to, but you still are...

(I do know that he is in charge of what he chooses to do, in charge of his own feelings, and that you can't "make" anyone feel anything. We all choose our feelings and how we react to situations.)

You say you know this, but do you really believe it? Because this email sounds a whole lot like you are accusing me.

(However, I also know that when we love someone we don't knowing do or say things simply to "really piss them off".)

But that is exactly what you are doing now...you say you love me, but you are doing something that Dad warned you would piss me off...

(About the time we sat down to eat our holiday dinner you came by and left candy on the door step. Although you may have thought your dad would be pleased that you had brought him a holiday surprise, in fact it had the opposite effect.)

Again, remember: I have known him for 30 years. I knew what effect it was going to have. Just as he knew what effect it was going to have on me by arguing with me on the phone. I was crying when we hung up. How do you think my blood pressure was that day? Or when I was walking the candy up to the porch?

He rips stakes up out of the ground, I leave candy on the porch. We handle things the way we know how. It has worked for us for 30 years now.

(For him, it felt like you were rubbing his face in the fact that you were refusing to be part of his new extended family.)

Key words! Key words! HIS NEW EXTENDED FAMILY. Not mine.

(He was embarrassed when Tiffany was bewildered and asked him why you hadn't rung the doorbell or come in to give him the candy.)

Tiffany wouldn't have been bewildered if she had remembered that my mother shot herself in the face in the very house that she stood in celebrating only 21 months earlier! Or if she knew that we were arguing. I'm willing to bet that Tiffany knows a thing or two about arguing with parents...

(Amanda, I love your father beyond measure, and when he hurts, I hurt. Christmas Eve you hurt him both physically and spiritually.)

And Dad hurt me. Vic wanted to call Dad on Christmas day because I was still in bed crying. He wanted for us to get together and talk it out. But when I explained that it was only between Dad and I, he respected me and my father's relationship enough to let us handle it.

(He'd never tell you these things, he's too proud, too strong, too macho, but I know you love him too, and I'd like to think you'd never do anything to intentionally hurt him.)

If you knew me at all, you would know that I don't intentionally hurt people.

(So, at the risk of damaging the fragile new relationship you and I are just beginning to form, I had to let you know about my problem. I want at least 25, if not 30 or more years with your father, and I'm doing the best I can to make sure that happens.)

Here's the real root of it: it's all about Sheri!

(I hope you will join me in my efforts to ensure him a life that is as long and healthy and as happy as possible.)

I lost my mother very suddenly and prematurely, which I should not have to remind you of. For you to insinuate that I would want anything but a long, healthy, and happy life for my father is cruel. I'm sure that you are not thinking in these terms, but that is what you are implying. That I might take some other route than "joining you in your efforts" is extremely offensive to me.

(I apologize that I was cool toward you during the remainder of the holiday season.)

No apology needed. You do what you need to do, but don't be surprised at my response.

(I don't hide my feelings well and I was wrestling with the best way to handle them; I needed a "time out". I needed time to sort through my feelings and figure out how to best express my problem.)

Again, good "I" messages!

(A part of me hoped you'd asked what was going on so I could get it out, but another part was relieved that you didn't ask since I hadn't figured it out myself yet.)

I didn't need to ask. I knew that you were butting into my and my father's arguement.

(What I can tell you today is that although I had many feelings at the time, the one I've not been able to put behind me is the feeling of fear; fear of prematurely and needlessly losing your father.)

What I hear you saying is that you have already had one husband die prematurely, and that you are afraid that this one will too. Like I said, my mom died prematurely. I'd rather my father not as well. By no means do I want you to read that I think those losses are the same. What I do want you to read is that we both have the same fear and the same goal.

(I realize that as your dad would put it, this letter could come back and "bite me in the ass", but I truly hope not.)

You knew this would not go over well or you wouldn't have even written that.

(I know I have no control over how you chose to feel after you read this letter, all I can do is send it in faith that my words won't be misunderstood or create additional problems.)

That's good of you to know, because, again, it is all about you.

(All I can do now is to put it in the hands of the Lord.)

Touche.

(I pray you chose to continue to let our relationship develop and to work with me to enrich your dad's life.)

And I pray that you chose to just try and be a friend rather than a parent-type figure. I pray that you stop trying so hard and just be yourself. I pray that you learn to respect mine and William's boundaries. Examples: You say, "I know you aren't a hugger, but I am." What we heard was "I don't care how you feel, I'm going to hug you anyway." I asked for you not to include "Sheri's family of 3 will join Bob's family of 4 to make a family of 7" on your invitations, so instead you go ahead and put it on your website.

(Love,
Sheri)


All of this being said. I choose to give you the benefit of doubt and chalk this blunder up to your newness to our family and it's workings. I do want to think that you have good intentions in your heart. Although I have not expressed these things to you in the past, it is probably overdo that I clear the air. I want you to know that do not hold ill will towards you. I don't ever stay mad long. I can't image that in senerios like ours that conflict does not arise, and hopefully it will just make us all stronger. I love that my father seems happy with you. I also appreciate the fact that you are interested in a relationship with me and look forward to continuing in the future.
Love, Amanda