I had a break down last night.

I've been avoiding carbohydrates as much as possible because of this crapass "syndrome" I've got. It's seriously driving me crazy.

Vic went to the store because I had thawed out ground turkey to make a meatloaf (yummy, a loaf made of meat...*blick*...) and forgot we didn't have any eggs (because I boiled them all to make deviled eggs, breakfast, ya know). I decided since he was going, I'd make him a short list of things to get. This was my list:

eggs, milk, cantaloupe, frozen strawberries, fresca, diet coke, whole wheat noodles, dryers sugar free chocolate ice cream

He comes back with all this crap like ruffles, doritos, and COKE...just to name a few. I stood in the kitchen and stared at the coke. I swear, it called me to it. It was like that orange mountain dew commercial, where the guys are drawn to it like bugs to the bug zapper. So I ran to it, misty-eyed, ripped the box open, opened the (hot) can, and began to drink. Vic was saying "Amanda. Put. The. Can. Down." and all I could do was cry. He chased me to the living room and took the can. He, like the very sweet husband he is, went to the cabinet and got a glass, filled it with ice and poured it over it...and returned it to my pathetic, blubbering ass.

So I gulp the whole thing down in the like 2 minutes flat. It was the best thing I've ever had. Seriously. The bubbles tickled my nose and it was just the perfect temperature, and that sweet bite that I've known for my last 24 years was like a long lost friend.

And then I stopped. Vic was staring at me, telling me he would throw them away...he didn't know it was a "big deal" to bring home the real, true coke along with the crapass diet coke that I requested.

That's when it occurred to me. This is not a venture that will come to an end. It's not a sprint to the finish line, because there is no finish line. Get well, get back to life…nope. This is my new life. And last night I put all of my frustrations with this infertility, crazy hormones, 3 month (AND FUCKING COUNTING!) period, insulin levels through the roof, etc into one shiny red can with roller coaster on it. What I would not give to be a kid and want to take it to 6 Flags and redeem my discount!

On top of that, these tasty Sorbitol/Mannitol/Xylitol (sugar alcohol's) they put into things such as my dryers ice cream, cause gas. They are still tasty and not like a chemical, but the molecules are so big that the body can't absorb them...so they are used in lots of "sugar-free" products...I sound/smell like I've been living on 3-day old Allsup's burrito's for the past year!

Oh yeah, FYI, and if you (I) take somethin’ for the gas, it will break down the molecules of the 'ol sugar substitutes and cause Mr. Pancreas to make more insulin...thus defeating the purpose, so one must deal with sounding/smelling like a pack mule.

My husband really must love me. Snort.