I am supposed to be getting up in 2 hours and I can't even be still long enough to close my eyes. Or maybe it's because I can't stop crying. I was not that nervous until I talked to his fucking sister and mother. I was anxious to get this over with, but not really scared. I was dreading sitting at the hosptial all day, but not worried about the actual procedure. Then, at 10:45, right before Vic got home from work his sister called to inform me that I must call her and her mother first, before his dad or my parents, because "Vic's my bro, ya know, and he's like my sidekick and I'm really worried." All I could say is "Yeah, I know. He's my husband." She just kept rambleing on and on and on. THEN his mother got on the phone telling me stuff like "don't worry when his blood pressure gets too low, it always does" and "the wound always bleeds more then they'd like on Vic so just don't worry about that either" and "be prepared to stay over night because that usually happens" and "up until a few years ago they took angio patients straight to ICU because of all the complications" and "I was going to buy a plane ticket but Vic instisted that I not...he wants to be a big boy and do it all by himself."

What the fuck am I? Those people don't have anything to do with him unless they are worring about his brain. How bout coming to visit when he could actually enjoy your company? How bout calling when he's actually here and not to pigeon hole me into listening to your crap?

So now all I can think about is that this is a big scary thing and that I'm going to sit at a fricking hospital, which I HATE, all damn day. Not like 1/2 a day, a whole damn day. We get there at 6 am, Vic thinks we might make it home by 7 pm.

His mother also felt the need to tell me the story tonight about when they found out about his AVM. It was this big long story that ended with the Dr. calling her and Vic into his office and saying "He has an inoperable brain tumor (which it wasn't) and he will be dead in 2 months." And then the DR. left the room and he looked up and her and said "Mommy, am I going to die?" and she explaination that "When Jesus calls us to him we go and it will be wonderful there and nobody knows when their time to go is and everyone will miss you but we all want to be with Jesus but you just might get to go earlier than the rest of us, but we will all join you someday."

Why did she tell me that today? Could that story have not waited? Because I can't get it out of my head now.