WARNING: SERIOUS TOPIC TO FOLLOW....if you don't like it, read the one that I posted earlier today :).

There is something to be said for finding strengths that you never imagined existed. I think for the first time in my life I had a preconceived notion about myself and was so afraid of it and disliked it so much that I never was able to talk about it with anyone. But in the past week I've discovered it to be false. I have had every frickin' psychology class that Texas Tech offers to undergrads and every undergrad and 1/2 of the grad school classes on rehabilitation counseling at UNT and I know the answers that are socially acceptable. Wowzers. I hate that socially acceptable crap, but it's the truth. I know how to talk to people and offer them good options for decision making in their own lives, but when it comes to my own...I suck.

It's like he says in the Finger Eleven "One Thing" song on the radio right now:

"Even though I know
I don't want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds."

Yeah, that's the story of my life. I completely hold myself to different standards than I hold others too. That can be good and bad. On one hand, I hold myself to standards such as...nothing below an A is good enough. That is good because if I were always able to do it...it would be beneficial TO ME...but since I'm not, I have this "well, a B is not good enough so fuck it...stop going, make an F...I don't care." But I don't feel that way about other people. I honestly feel that B's for other people are great. I think C's are great for other people. But so often I feel like a failure and I let the fear of it happening again control every decision I make. Especially in the past few years. I've erred on the side of caution too many times. I've given up trying because I don't feel I have the energy or effort to do it and meet my unrealistic standards.

SO my "comfort zone" has been bombed. I found a WMD, it landed on my comfort zone. The only thing I can do redefine my comforts and therefore, my life. But I will also not be so complacent on letting myself get too comfortable. I've made a rather extensive list of what I would like to see out of myself and I'm going to post it because I need the help of others to hold me accountable. A lot will be accomplished just knowing that I've let others know where I'm at...I hate to be wrong or look stupid so I'm not going to let that happen. I'm the queen of excuses, and I want people to call me on them. BTW, I know that I don't usually post SO personally...but that's part of the comfort zone destruction. I don't have to seem to be fine when I'm not. Even to you guys online.

1. I am starting back to school in Fall 04 and take at least 6 hours towards my masters degree. I will finish my masters degree in a reasonable amount of time. (CHECK! I reapplied, just as atechnicality...they said there was no reason for me not to be readmitted.)

2. I am continuing to look for a job until I find one. Until then I will sell stuff on Ebay to make some $. (CHECK! Still applying for no less than 2 jobs per day and I've listed 3 items on Ebay today.)

3. I am seeking the help of Dr. Neil Jacobson on June 29, 2004 and plan to ask to be evaluated and put on antidepressants. If counseling is not recommended; I will seek a counselor on my own immediately. I will continue treatment until I am advised to do otherwise. (CHECK! started on ridalin, he thinks my depression is based in the frustrations of untreated ADHD)

**The counseling I will seek is to work on my respecting others boundaries, being happy with myself AND when by myself (not always wanting to be with someone), not perceiving myself as a victim, not having to have a "project"; and dealing better with responsibility.

4. I will be more social with my friends. I will not tell them no for no reason. Even when I don't want to do something, I will ask myself "is this something that I normally would want to do?" If the answer is yes, then I will do it.

**Also, I will answer the phone when it rings. Regardless of who is calling. If I am unable to talk, I will say so. (Haven't missed a call in 2 days!)

5. I will set my alarm for 9:30 am Sun-Fri. I will hit the snooze button 1x, if desired. I will allow myself Saturday to sleep until I wake up. (CHECK!)

6. I will go to church every Sunday. I will not accept any excuses from myself as to why I am not going. The only options for absence are being out of town, true illness, and extreme weather (ice!). I will also get involved with the churches activities on my own. I will find a women's bible study, help organize mission trips, etc. whatever it is that will feel fulfilling to me and to be a contributing member of the church.

7. I will eat AT HOME when I am hungry. I will only allow myself to eat out in social situations or on occasions with Vic when he suggests it. Otherwise, I will cook dinner that we both like or figure it out on my own. I will not ask Vic repetitively if he wants this or that. I will make the executive decisions in the kitchen, trusting that he will freely offer suggestions or requests for meals. If he does not like what I made, I am not offended and will not feel guilty because he must find something on his own.

8. I will take full responsibility for the house, at least until I have a job. This includes: cleaning/ picking up at least 2 hours per day (until I feel it is acceptable, then I will just maintain it); staying on top of laundry; paying bills; making appointments (a/c, bug sprayer, etc.); keeping the house stocked with food and supplies (tp, tide, etc.)

9. I will help more with the dogs. Specifically, I will let Frank out on Sat & Sun so that Vic can come home and go to bed after work if he pleases. I will also take the responsibility of vet & groomer visits. I will change the cat litter. Carson is/was my cat and I will care for him.

10. I will stop asking others to do things for me that I can do for myself.

**I will make an effort to stop asking questions that I pretty much know the answer too or that I am just talking for the sake of talking. I will not call Vic at work/school/when he is away from home unless it is something important. Until I get accustom to this, I will make a list of the things that I wish to talk to him about and go over it when he calls or comes home. However, I will still call him when I am going to sleep so that he knows not to call after that time.

11. I will not bother Vic while sleeping (during the days when he's worked all night). I will make/add too the same list (mentioned in 10) and save things for when he is awake.

12. I will not sit in Vic's chair when he is home. I don't want him in my chair, so I will respect his spot.

13. Only if I am home w/out Vic will I watch the living room TV. I will make a point of watching more TV in the study or bedroom, or happily watching what is on in the living room. I don't really care about the TV, and that is an agrument that can be easily avoided.

14. I will trust that Vic always knows that he is invited to go with me to social functions. I will not insist that he do things that he does not want to do socially. This includes celebrating holidays with my family, having dinner with my friends, etc. I will do the things that I truly want to do with or without him.

15. I will not impose myself on Vic and his friends. I trust Vic that he will invite me if he wants me to go, and not get my feelings hurt when he does not invite me.

16. I will not impose society's views on my marriage. I will work to listen to Vic and respect his wishes and try not worry about what others think. I will base my needs on me and not others. What Kim or Misti or Bryan or Danny do has no baring on my needs. I will be honest with myself and Vic so that I can stop holding myself AND us to unreachable standards.

17. I remember the person that Vic met/fell in love with/married. That is a more true self than the person I am now. I will work at being that person again.

This list will never be complete. I reserve the right to make changes as needed. These changes are being made for the betterment of myself. I am aware that I may not be able to do all of these things everyday. I am giving my word in writing so that I may keep focused.